With something he's been aching to tell you the whole time...

Perceptions of our own realities being what they may....

I can't help but think my attempts at being "friendly" are batted down on multiple fronts by the notion that I might be disingenious to the way i feel about things and people. Nothing could honestly be further from the truth.

(This being said , sometime in life we're hit with the most ridiculous bout of a lack of sens e in what to do, it would seem the subtext then seems that were are unsure and playing games. Let me say, that this is in fact not true. Times ten.)

No one likes games, me least of all. As a matter of fact, resolution as of this morning when I woke up late...no more games.

You know that line in that movie you saw, the one that reminds you of real life but....isn't? There's not much more to it then that. So basically we go through life confused. All of us. Every last single fucking person.

You think you know what the rest of them out there are thinking but really it's just a juxtaposition of your own thoughts and feelings forced onto someone you could really not possibly know less about. So you sit and think and wonder and over think and over analyze and work everything back and forth in your mind four million ways to Tuesday.

(Incidently, while I appreciate the advice I am given, we both know I will never listen to it. Suffice to say, throwing your arms up in frustration maybe be the only option you have left.)

I think my problem then becomes, while truly trying to analyse eveything that's going on right now right down to the nth degree, (Because that's what I do...analyse and analyse until i'm sick....i can't just ever let things be...my mom's says it's my curse) i find there's a disconnect to my life and my process of thought...maybe I'm not the only one, but I feel like I am:

1)I am happy for those who are happy around me only until the point that I realise they have what I want but for some phantom reason cannot obtain. It's at this point I secretly wish for a crash-and-burn (not really becasue these are dear friends but that devil on my shoulder sometimes wants to snicker. We all have that devil, and thankfully we are all able to shoo him away when he whispers these thoughts into our heads.) The reason I can't obtain what other s have are multiple in scope but really boils down to one word: fear.

2)I have too many temptations surrounding me with not enough time and not enoufgh patience to wait. And yet I want to wait for these things that I semeingly don't have enough time to devote to. And because of that I give the impression of a need to rush into these things, which inturns chases these things away. Also at the abck of my mind is the thought that my reaction to their interation is thus that I maybe subconciously chase them away. BUt this all leads back to the fact that these things are all done because I'm afraid if I don't react in some way, any way, then these things will move on with out me.

(An interesting digression from the above hypothesis is this it now occurs to me that all the above statement, be it good or bad, can be directly related to issues I have with certain "other" people in my life. While I'm not wholly a believer in the works of Feud, I do believe that certain elemtns of what he said abotu a relationship between a child and his parent, especially in developmental years, has some sort of significant relation to the relations that child forms later in life, be they stunted (meaning short and messy and cut off), or over developed (meaning obsessive.)

In any case my lack at being able to develop any of the skills needed to fucntion properly in the parameters of all that is lead me the the above dilemas.

3) (and this is the most important one making it the final thought that's running through my brain right now...so pay attention) We live in a world of natural paradox. We live in world where we are told to be honest, to share our feelings, to always tell the truth but then are not only given examples in the world of the exact opposite of that, but are then also discouraged by others actions when we do so. Is it possible for any of us to truly be honest, even given a connotation or subtext of what we are saying, and taken at our word.

So I'm left with the uneasy and queasy feeling that I'm right back where I started from the beginning. I'm not sure at all of what to say to who because, worse then the rejection of any idea I might throw out, is the fact that it won't illicit any reaction. (This is in fact only half true. The greatest fear is still definitely no rwactiona t all. Running a close second is the fact that rejection will come back. And I don't just dislike rejection, I'm, admittedly so now, scared shitless of it. Evidence of this can be seen by the multitude of half started/half finished things in my life - from actual creative projects to relationships - that I have every intention of finshing, giving closure to but haven't been able to quite get to yet, despite the known fact of a feeling of elation I will feel once these things are ended. This fear is as irrational as a fear of heights or to furry animals. I know this. I thought I had understood and come to grips with some of this last year, but fear always rears her ugly head when you least suspect it.)

A wise man probably once said there is truth in all that is said (despite the amount of times you tell a person afterwards that your jopking. Despinte how infitisately small the turht in those words may be...it still rings with some resonence be it smirk or lauch or smile or tear...because it illicits a reaction of some sort.) Reaction is truth.

I can only illicit a responce from a reaction. If there is no reaction, that leaves us all in a sort of quandry, doesn't it.

Response should illicit reaction which in turn should illicit response.

Et cetera.

So what does happen if there's no reaction? What are you supposed to respond too?
Should every reaction illict some sort of response? Even if it's negative?

And don't even get me started about feelings.

Currently listening :





Wrongville
By Sweet Diesel
Release date: By 07 October, 1997

Absence makes the heart explode...

You've got that person.
You know who they are.
The affect you. People don't generally affect you.
You could usually give a fuck.
But for some reason this person does something different.
Makes you think.
Makes you over analyze.
Makes you dream the dreams you can barely remember.
Makes you wonder.
Makes you unsure.
You can't ignore it because you care to much what they think.
Somethings just can't be helped.
Funny thing is, thoughts, like feelings, and dreams, have minds of their own.
Can't be helped, can't be stopped.
You can't go home again.
You don't want to.
You wonder how the first fight was the last fight.
Things are weird but in that good way?
Self actualization is overrated.
Stop thinking.
Don't do.
You don't know what else to say.
Saying nothing will always be better than staying honest.
You feel stupid.
You don't even want things how they were
(They could probably be better than that.)
Everybody has that person.
You just saw her five minutes ago.
At 12:55.


Sleep and me just aren't fucking cooperating tonight.

Currently listening :





Lullabies To Paralyze
By Queens Of The Stone Age
Release date: By 22 March, 2005

If you don't like me stop looking this way....

I hadn't bought comics in like three months before today.

On my way I decided to walk down Newbury Street, to the Arlington stop to take in the beautiful early evening. What I realized on this walk might surprise you.

As the piercing screams of Chris Cornell's vocals and the wails of Kim Thayil's guitars blocked out the words of people around me staring, I realized I really don't like most people. Especially the people walking down Newbury Street.

It's not that I'm an unfriendly person, or someone who stands in judgement of other people. It's just that most people suck. Oxymorninc I know, but let me explain.

I'm also not a violent person, but I'd really just like to pop a few people right in the face. Just because of the smug looks they wear on their face. Smug is an ugly word. It's an even uglier countenance to wear.

Most people who walk down Newbury Street give you the knowing glance. The glance that says somehow they are better than you. That their 200 dollar t-shirt somehow gives them more worth, mor eintellegence than the shirt your wearing.

I would be more than happy to be friends with most people I meet. But most people won't take the time. But...I digress.

In general people are full oif themselves. They are slaves to the fashions that theya re told to wear, the music they are directed to listen to, and the make up they are sold on wearing. They look down on all others with disdain because material is more important than personal. To them.

Which is most people.

Fuck that.

Kim Thayil could give a fuck. And so could I.

The only people I want to know are people who want to know me.

I am such not a fan of materialism. Not to say I don't own things (we all own things because we like them or we wouldn't buy them) and like the things I own. I just don't think any of those things are more important than someone i meet eyes with walking down the street. And they certainly aren't imporant enough to care if I have them or not. I enjoy having things, I just don't need them.

Which most people seem to forget.

Look, I work in fashion industry now, I know what and how important "look" is to the industry.

It doesn't mean I place it's importance over the personality of another person.

Sure it's a oxymornic juxtapose world to live in. But you can't fuck if you don't fight.

While I'm rambling, I'd just like to say....when everything is going somewhat copasetic in your life some thing comes along to fuck up everything and rearrange what your were thinking previously.

How is it possible one person goes and fucks up your perception of everyfuckingthing. Then you're right back where you started.

Stupid. Should have never opened your fucking mouth. Or at the very least should have never typed on your fucking keyboard.

To those two I owe apologies, you know who you are. I can't help it. Even If I might have fucked up a good thing. My intension was to stay on the slightly straight and narrow. I mean that's what "dating's" all about.

Fuck you Corey Glover. (Cryptic but meaningful as an acosutic ballad blues song goes.)

I'm not saying anything else.

or as R.A. The Rugged Man would say...."I signed to Jive records and fucked up the whole shit...."

Fucker.

Currently listening :





Badmotorfinger
By Soundgarden
Release date: By 24 September, 1991

Lies and how I learned to be Un-American....

Yesterday, the news with bombarded with stories about how gas was going to go up five to fifteen cents a gallon ans stay that high for a while to come. They followed this up by all sorts of "experts" urging people not to panic and run the the gas station to fill up their cars before the price hike.

Result: Gas stations filled with people filling up their cars all over the place yesterday trying to beat that gas hike.

This morning on the news, the EPA and other sources came out and said "Oh wait, the second biggest oil manufacturer in the country...them shutting down for a month or so. Yeah that's going to have little to no effect on raising gas prices, contrary to previous reports."

Shoddy reporting on the media's part (this information could have been gathered from other sources yesterday morning, but NO contrary opinions were presented in the news reports I saw yesterday on the local AND national news coverage in the morning whatsoever) or Big Brother Oil laughing at all of us again for the umpteenth time in the last seven years (not to mention the fact that again they completely manipulated the media into selling even more gas for them and provided themselves an out "We told people not to run out and get gas")?

You decide.

I, personally, can't wait for 2008. Maybe when we finally elect a new president we can have gas come down from the 4 dollars a gallon it will undoubtedly be by then.

Currently listening :





CVA
By Paint It Black
Release date: By 29 July, 2003

Teeing off when you don't even play golf.

I'm tired.

Tired of this.

Tired of that.

Tired of people promising and not delivering.

Tired of people who re-live the past and no you can't go home again.

Tired of being interested when it only lasts for a glimpse.

Tired of yelling and screaming.

Tired of not sleeping. Well.

Tired of staying up for nothing.

Tired of waitng for repsonses from people who will never answer.

Tired of the old way things used to be.

Tired of hot summers and patterns that seemingly never end.

Tired of being alone.

Tired of being around people.

Tired of the way that people complain about life and do nothing to fix it.

Tired of you.

Tired of me.

Tired of people who mean well but will never change.

Tired of people carbon copying the greatest thing they saw or heard yesterday.

Tired of the bags under my eyes.

Tired of being lulled into a great conversation with no follow up.

Tired of being jaded.

Tired of being eternally at the wrong time and place.

Tired of wrong times and places.

Tired of waiting for tomorrow and something better.

Tired of waiitng for "the next thing".

Tired of chasing after people who stopped talking for no reason known to me.

I'm tired of being tired.

Currently listening :

Initiation
By theSTART
Release date: By 24 August, 2004

They just don't make sitcom stars like they used to.

Fuck you, Conrad Bain.
Fuck you, Todd Bridges.
Fuck you, Dana Plato.
Fuck you, Gary Coleman.
Fuck you, Charlotte McRae.
Fuck you, Mindy Cohn.
Fuck you, Kim Fields.
Fuck you, Nancy McKeon.
Fuck you, Cloris Leachman.
Fuck you, Jimmy Walker.
Fuck you, John Amos.
Fuck you, Joyce DeWitt.
Fuck you, Ted Knight.
Fuck you, Gavin McLeod.
Fuck you, Rene Auberjonouis.
Fuck you, Robert Guilliume.
Fuck you, Billy Crystal.
Fuck you, Richard Mulligan.
Fuck you, Kristy McNichol.
Fuck you, Bob Denver.
Fuck you, Alan Mchale Jr.
Fuck you, Redd Foxx.
Fuck you, Grady Wilson.
Fuck you, Sherman Helmsley.
Fuck you, Fred "Rerun" Berry.
Fuck you, Anna Marie Horsford.
Fuck you, Emmanuel Lewis.
To be continued......

Currently listening :

Prone Mortal Form/Innocents
By Only Living Witness
Release date: By 27 June, 2006

If we're not talking, then why are we still here?

If you don't let yourself become involved, you can't be dissapointed with the outcome.

Keep telling yourself that kid, and you'll end up on top.

Mother. Fucker.

Currently listening :

Wolverine Blues
By Entombed
Release date: By 10 September, 1996

Your brother looks like a hooker too.

So Stolen Bike Crusade started back in 2000. November to be more exact. December 8, 2000 was out very first show (after which we began the long, winding path of new members) on what is now WUML, and what was then WJUL, guests of the show that will always be "Live From The Fallout Shelter". It was a new endevour that we all had hopes for, but that most of all we did because it was fun and we liked to create music. Be the music good or bad, (and you talk to those of us from the early days we would probably discuss the older songs as....underdeveloped seems a fair word) we were creayting and having fun and that was the important part.
It's now June of 2006. This makes the band officially my longest relationship in my still short life. It's astounding that through the breakups (one of which fueled half of the first SBC record, the other major relationship having fueled almost exclusively another two years of music after that) with female sin my life, even when it has at times seemed t be on life support, this band has been the most solid, rocksteady thing I've had.

Someone asked me earlier this week, as I am now also a member of Bury the Needle, which band I liked more. THis is honestly and wholly an unfair question for many reasons. Mostly though because really when you create music with other people, the outcome of that creation realy can be attributed to your children. You don't play favorites with your children. Certainly at certain times, becaus eof the ways the songs make you feel, you may be more fond of something in one song then another, but goinbg back listening to old songs today, I realized, warts and all, I'm proud that SBC was able to create these thigns that, at least in some people we've heard from, creates a visceral feeling that is hard to explain but involes emotion and thanks from the part of the listener.

You work hard over that period of time to craft these things. And over time I know I've learned and become a much better singer and lyricist. But at the end of the day all the becomes important are the end product you produce, and how you interpret that end product when youa ttempt to recreate it live.

People often ask when is it the right time to give up...break up the band so to speak. We're in the enviable positon in this band that we are all friends (mind you friends who sometimes lose touch with each other over a period time because smetimes communication is just hard to come by), and nt only friends but people who seem to connect when we get in a room. ALthough we haven't practiced in almost seven months, haven't played a show in six, and probably haven't all been in a room togethe rin at least a couple months, when we get togetehr and practice, it's like home again. The songs fit like a snug glove....the commeradirie and inside jokes begin again in an instant. And it makes you feel good again.

People talk about this elusive "rock star dream". It's all bullshit and none of it means anything. The record industry has deteriorated to a point where it's next to impossible to have a hit anything anymore. So all you do is expose your music to as many people as possible and hope it graps on to a few. You mentally move on at a certain point but realization of reality and actually doing what youw ant to do are completely non-exclusive.

I see bands now who hype themselves up and think they're going to live this rock star dream, get signed to a major label, be on the cover of rolling stone, get their own Gucci ad and it makes me sad. Because these are the people who have forgotten what the music meant. IT's not about who can help witht he most shows, it's not about banner ads, it's not about photo shoots and who produced your new album to make it all sqeaky clean and compressed sounding. IT's about playing the music...it's about people hearing the music. People who don't want to be press whores don't seek it out.

I recently heard Iggor (new spelling) Cavalera describe that he was leaving Speltura because he had lost the fire. That's incredibly disheartening to hear a founding member of one of your favorite bands has lost the fire to create anymore. Frightening because if it can happen to him, it can happen to anybody.

Which brings me full circle. Novermber of 2000 to July of 2006. Bigger bands lasted half that long. And while I can't predict the future or what will happen, I can say that one thing practice tonight taught me was that I haven't lost any fire. As a matter of fact I have more fire to do more things, if anything. facets of all the bands I love the different facets and ways I can express myself differently through the stylistic changes of each the band sI'm in. It makes each wholly unique, but not in a way that I have to think about...not in a way where I have to conciously change. It all happens organically. If I could be in 12 bands right now I would for that reason alone.

3 will just have to do for now.

Currently listening :

The Sufferer and the Witness
By Rise Against
Release date: By 04 July, 2006

"For those I love I will sacrifice..."

These shorts were sacrificed tonight for the greater good of rock and roll.

Never jump up on a stool when in homemade shorts and playing the rock music. People may unfairly mark you an exhibitionist.

Currently listening :

To Live & Die In New York City
By Indecision
Release date: By 22 July, 2000

"Say another word and I'll cut your fucking throat..."

We stay silent.
We keep quiet.
We stay silent about the way we actually feel.
We keep quiet to avoid the drama involved in the situation saying something would cause.
We stay silent about the way the world falls around us.
We keep quiet and hope it will all get better.
We stay silent even though something tells us inside to be loud.
We keep quiet to hope it will all go away.
We stay silent because we're told we should.
We keep quiet and wish we had said something meaningful when it happened.
We stay silent because we're embarrassed.
We keep quiet until the storm passes.
We stay silent and hope that they're thinking what we're thinking.
We keep quiet knowing that you don't live here anymore.
We stay silent for a lack of words.
We keep quiet because we're simply stricken speechless.
We stay silent hoping we'll get another chance someday.
We keep quiet because it wouldn't do any good anyways.
We stay silent because there's strength there.
We keep quiet because we've said all we could say.
We stay silent and wonder what happens if we tell the truth.
We keep quiet because the truth never sets you free.
We stay silent because beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
We keep quiet because you can't capture beauty, you can only behold it.
We stay silent when there's nothing else to say.
We keep quiet despite there's plenty to say.
We stay silent because timing isn't our thing.
We keep quiet because we just missed the opportunity.
We stay silent when we're shocked.
We keep quiet to shock.
We stay silent but to apologize for our past transgressions.
We keep quiet when we're not really sorry at all.
We stay silent to avoid.
We keep quiet to avoid.
We stay silent when what we want to say is what you don't want to hear.
We keep quiet to make things easier for you.
We stay silent even though everything tells us to shout.
We keep quiet to avoid embarrassing ourselves to others.
We stay silent because life is not a movie.
We keep quiet because there is no happily every after.
We stay silent when we want to give advice.
We keep quiet because no one wants our advice.
We stay silent, saying more then we could say with words.
We keep quiet because we like it better that way.
We stay silent and we keep quiet.
And it's making us lose our fucking minds.

Currently listening :

Fantastic Planet
By Failure
Release date: By 13 August, 1996

Elvis has left the building and so have the Cash Money Millionaires...

Somepeoplebelievewethinkwithasingleconciousnessbutthisisn't
trueaswelivelifewithfreewillandtheabilitytobeindependantas
aresultofwhowearebredwhichistobredwithotherswhoarelike
usbutnotexactlylikethoseweareattractedtoarethepeoplewe
mostlikenourslevestowhowemaywanttobehereorawayis
somethingthatcausesthoughttobewithoutremorseforwhatwe
sayforthisiswhatisonourmindsforlifelibertyandthepursuitof
happinessisreallyjustaloadofbullshittoswallowuntilthenext
peopletellusorexcusemeguideusinthewayweshouldthinkforthe
nextfouryearsyou'vegivenupallrightsasihavereadthemtoyou
thepeopleofthiscountryshouldwakeupandunderstandexactly
what'sbeingtoldtoyouastherestofusallsitbackandrelaxandwaitfor
thenextmomentwhenweunderstandexactlywhatissiadtous
becauseit'sdifficultenougtobeone'selfbyone'selfwheninreality
allanybodyreallyneedsistolightenupandallwecanhopeforbefore
wedieisonegoodfuck......

Currently listening :





Mo'Mega
By Mr. Lif
Release date: By 13 June, 2006

Pace yourself...it looks to be a long ride....and never talk to strangers...

I'll share whatever you need to share. Self-confidence is a self-fulfilling prophecy. The sun means it's summer which almost rhymes with things I don't think about. If you're a soldier your fucked in as much as your screwed. Follow and don't question. I've got a revolution and you're meant to ride it with me. I'll sink as far as you'll let me. Loose lips sink ships and all, but I have nothing more to say. Be quiet, close your eyes and take a kiss on the lips, because it's the last thing you may ever truly "feel". I've got this thing that's telling me things could get real complicated soon. The next statement contains this false positive. I'm holding back things that come to the brim of your conciousness. Don't say the following things because i'm not listening anymore. "You're great but it's never gonna work out between us." "Age ain't nothing but a number." "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." "Don't you think I'm attractive?"

Stop telling me what's good for me and everyone else. Just stop and do something, anything. I don't need anymore friends. But I'm feeling a need for a few more enemies.

Currently listening :





Us and Them
By Godflesh
Release date: By 22 June, 1999

They won't be more equal than we are. Not on my watch. (Goverment is a fucking idiot pt. 1)

Millions of people are dying for reason that are directly related to our actions not only in the middle east but as a result of our fiscal and personal responsibities, foremost in our own country, but also world wide and our lawmakers and President are most concerned with fining broadcasters more money per incident of indecency over the PUBLIC airwaves (for which i will talk about more at some other point, because believe it or not we are being extorted in as much as the mob extorts it's chosen business for their own protection) and trying to fucking pass an AMENDMENT to the BILL OF RIGHTS that bans gay marriage.
WHAT?
So not only would this contradict ebvery amendment made, including the bill of rights, but essentially paves the ways to strip homosexuals of their human rights in the future in this country. Drastic you might say? BUt look at how slowly our first amendment rights have been stripped away over the last 6 years through the politics of making us not only afraid to speak our minds freely but to inform ourselves of the outside world. (You need no bigger example of this than a recent Henry Rollins story I heard where he was pulled aside for a simple BOOK he was reading to inform him more on the state of terrorism in our world. And while true it was in Australia where he was confronted, they are in this state of fear following what America has thrown out there. All this and at least in Australia they confront you and ask you about what your reading. In the good old U.S.A they'd simply keep a file on you until they had enough info to simply McCarthy your ass into jail......but I digress.) YOur saying what does all this have to do with anything? Well, our government has found that the fear campaign has worked so well against the "war" on terrorism, that they are adopting it towards their other agendas as well.
"Homosexuals threaten the normal american lifestyle." These are the phrases they use. Idiots like Rick Santorum would have you believe that homsexuals are proliferating the good wholesomeness of our country. I say fuck that.
The reason our country is like that is because it's afraid of the word sex and anything conencted to it. And as a result we become, as I've stated earlier, the laughing state of the united states. It always comes back to sex.
Most people don't want to see peopel displaying their affection for each other out in public. I know I don't, be it straight ot gay. This doesn't make it an obscene act or something dirty. It simply makes it something I don't need to see. The sacrity of what happens between you and another person and how you show that to each other it between you too. IT doesn't mean that we can't be EDUCATED on this stuff in the right enviornment, nor does it mean it can't be talked about or discussed, but it doesn't need to be demonstrated. And really this is why people laugh at us as a country, and until we get over these pre-occupations and problems with sexuality that we will never been seen as anything more than giggling 14 yearolds in the school yard.
Because we refuse to accept homosexuality as something that exists in our society, the only option we give people that we ignore is to force us to see that they are there. Homosexuality is not going away, it's not a phase, it's not an anomoly. It exists and people still ignore it as if it will go away if they do.
Because we can't deal with the reality that for some people, the person of their same sex is who theya re attracted to. And what more, we expect them to understand our heterosexual attractions as if it's not as foreign a concept to them as homsoexulaity might be to us. (What's worse is at the edn of the day it's not that hard to understand. Some guys are attracted to other guys, just like some men are attracted to women exclusivly with big breasts and large booties. I don't see what the big deal is. Anyways...)
So, this leeds to the argument of what causes homosexuality. Because if it's a choice...blah blah blah...deviant behavior...blah blah blah. I am firmly of the belief that it is fully genetic, and while there's no absolute evidence as of yet, genetticists are getting closer and closer to solving this puzzle. SO if homosexulaity is then genetic, you CAN'T change it. IT exists and we have to accept it as something that exists. I am one to believe that given a choice between a life of acceptence and relative ease and a life of hatred and harshness, one would opt for the former and not the latter, unless you were a sado-masichist. So why would someone choose to be gay, if life would be so much easier if they were staright.
But really it runs even deeper than this. Because you can't ask someone to change what they are inside. Some people consider it sacrilegde to compare the civil rights movement to gay rights, but how is it any different. Being the child of mixed races, I've felt prejudice and racisim my entire life, uniquely from black and white people. I see my struggle (to which, at 30 years of age, at least sitting in my apartment in Cambridge, I can say there have been stides made in the last thirty years....) not much different than hat of homosexuals to be accepted.
Because we as a society are so upfuckingtight about sexuality, we can't just let it go. Homosexual people are just like us. making them no less capabable of having a normal family, raising children , having menaingful realtionships and staying married more consistently then staright people can in this day and age. Homosexuals aren't pedophiles or sexual deviants, there people who are attracted to people of the same se. And for as much as people say they don't care what people do in their wbedrooms, there are a whole lot of 'Buts' generally associated to those types of statements. And those same people who say sexuality should be an issue, make it an issue. It's the same old politician double speak we hear from everything from the Iraq war to the price of gas in our country.
The best part of the word homophobia is the entymology of the word...literally meaning "The fear of gays." The great thing about fears is that they can be overcome with understanding. I'm not saying we will evr understand what it is to be gay, just as a man will never know what it's lie to be a womana or a caucasian will never know what it is to be a african american or vise versa. But we can understand and sympathisize with where any person different is going through. How hard is that to fucking undertsand? How hard is it to have empathy for another set of people? We had it for all the people who died on 9/11 and as a result of the gross mis-mamangement that went on in New Orleans.
Unfortunately we live in a country that's largely conceived in the mind of middle america and the religious right. And they are SO busy judging every one else and forgetting that, (not that i'm a bible thumper, but ratehr using their own logic), if you look at your own beliefs, we ALL sin. SO your sins of judging other people are no worse than the "Supposed" sins the gay people are committing. People like this are SO aftraid to look in the mirror and take account of themselves, they worry about everybody else far too much. The syaing i belive is "Lest he throw the last stone be without sin." or something like that. Well accorindg to the might writers of the bible, none of us are without sin. SO there.
We live in a country that refuses to take action on soemthing until unneccesary things happen. Mathew Sheppard had to die before we culd look at gay's civil rights as an issue thata ctually had to be addressed. And even then has anything really been done, aside from a little attention and people saying "well, he was living in sin."
Judge lest you be judged yourself.
The saddest thing is that we even have to make these disticntions at all (no less four seperate times in our own Constitution already (the actually document it self, the 14th amendment, 15th amendment, and the 19th amendment) whent he document itself is clear enough already. Essentially this amendment, if ever passed (this is the second time it's been attempted within the last six times and it will probably be attemtped a couple more times before King George is out of office) will start a slippery slope towards a sort of cultural apartheid in our country. And it's not a slope easliy climbed back up.
It's time to stop being the epople who stand by while this fight goe on in front of us. It's time for us to stand up and say something. And all it takes is to say "This is rdiculous. I'm not going to stand for one more person in this country to be treated as less than a person." All it takes is one word, that we've grown increasingly and disturbingly more accustomed to saying in our complacentcy. The same kind of complacentcy that allowed a person like Matthew Sheppard to be murdered.

No.

Currently listening :





Radioactivist
By Red Tape
Release date: By 10 February, 2004

The good ones always get away 5 minutes before you're ready to invest...

...and they're always available 5 minutes after you've spent the rest of your money.

Viscerally, getting ready to walk up steps that lead to the beginning of the end of your naturally born life. You don't get nervous but your heart does increasing ever so slightly above it's normal pace as if to tell you it likes this feeling so don't fuck it up. Looking around furiously, lording over all infront of you you wait to begin. Your intsrument in your hand, the swirling cacophony behind you beginning to build, you are centered and comfortable. You start to accept and become. It doesn't take long to make your decisions. Your different now, brash, outgoing, loud, violent and playful. All the things your intorverted self is not, at least not at this magnitude. You look at the people in front of you and make a snap judgment, if there is no reaction you will make them have one. If there is a reaction, you will enhance it, testing the mettle of the member in front of you. Your eyes lock most prominently with those you engage themselves in what is going on. Your eyes lock and you share something passionate and life fulfilling and the same words that come out of your mouth are also comeing out of there's, trancelike. Selfishly, you're always hoping there's at least one girl to share this experience with. They always deserve the most attention. But the people who shirk back surprised, they deserve even more. You lose sense of everything that goes on as your insides empty out on the PA. Someone who is usually such a hygenic person could care less that he is now glistening on your brow ready to trade sweat with anyone who dares brush upon you. You are lost in yourself but found by the people around you. It never last longer then 30 minutes and you're spent, having first thought about who you locked eyes with, and who you want to discuss this connection with after. Then you think about who "gets it". You prepare to thank these people for sharing in this experience with you. And as your chest heaves from the workout, you take a swig of water, a swig of beer, and know this is home. This is where you always want to be. Because nothing will ever be as important.

Currently listening :





Youth Are Getting Restless: Live in Amsterdam
By Bad Brains
Release date: By 10 May, 1990

Boston is the new Seattle.

Roll the dice.

Take a chance.

I've been here the whole time.

(Yes the CD I'm listening to is significant.)

Currently listening :






To Ride, Shoot Straight and Speak the Truth
By Entombed
Release date: By 28 October, 1997

"I wanted to send you flowers, but I didn't want you to take it the wrong way."

But what exactly is the wrong way? (It 's that everything will change once the flowers arrive.)

Are the things we're most afraid of the things we avoid? I only ask the rhetorical question based on the fact that I know the answer inherently. Avoidence is really the key to attempting to confront anything.

I often sit back and watch without acting. Sometimes this has probably cost me things that I could have otherwise had. But then the question begs to be asked, "Do I sit back and allowthings to happen becaus eI'm afraid thata cting will enact them never happening?" Or am I aware that the inactivity is a result of knowing action will not result in anything.

This is a defeatist attitude. And yet I don't tend towards being a defeatist. Generally.

So, example, i see an interesting girl on the T. She's reading a book that I read and liked. Do I talk to her? Of course not because in this day and age, aren't you seen as some creepy guy? Or is that just my perception based on my fear of rejection? Or is it in all actuality the reality of a situation.

I saw a sketch on Saturday Night Live recently featuuring Tom brady. And really it summed everything up. And realy doesn't it all relate back to self-image.

Sometmes I have a healthy self-image. I'm comfortable with myself generally. But i'm not comfortable with being potentially judged. So i don't put myself in that situation. To be judged. Because who really wants to be judged.

It's all very complex, being comfortable on some level but not on others. And supposedly it's a trun off to not have confidence in one's self. But I do. I do my job well. I'm good at singing in a band. I never feel more confident then when I'm on a stage interacting with peolple (whther theyw ant to or not. If you've been to a show you know of what i speak.)

So basically what is it? What does it take? It does take so much exterted mental energy to not only get comfortable but approach someone and talk to them. I'm well aware I'm the ultimate intorverted extrovert. (Menaing, if I'm comfortable around you you can't shut me up. But if I don't know you, my lips shut like a safe.)

I think I get so self concious about utting off that I am not myself. Or i'm so in need of acceptance that I'm too much myslef. But in reality I'm so where in between. I like my alone time, but I like to hang out with friends.

I don't like thinking there's anything I have to do. I feel the need to WANT to do things.

Sometimes thngs are safer if you keep them like they are, no matter who much you feel that it could be better given circumstance.

Every boy wants to be Lloyd outside Diane's window playing "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel in the rain on his boombox. The reality of the situation is the person who often does that is seen as weird and creepy because those things work in scripts but not in real life. Because if your Diane, innumerable the person standing outside your window is almost never Lloyd and almost always the other guy.

And in all reality, all we really want is a girl who will lay in bed with us and watch that movie with us and then fall asleep next to us after. At the end of the day boomboxes, rain, and Peter Gabriel aren't really needed.

Currently listening :






Words from the Exit Wound
By Napalm Death
Release date: By 09 March, 1999

Losing and finding are completely non-exclusive.

Sometimes we can't be bothered with the scripts of our past. Things keep reminding you to live backwards, when you in fact are only trying to move forward. There's too many things going on and I just want to sit back and watch. We watch movies and television and want the plot lines to follow that of our own lives but things don't work that way. Because it's not real.

In a perfect world somebody asks me to go somewhere, and because i'm really interested in both the person and where they want me to go, I shirk all my other responsibilites and just do it. And the responsibilites I've shirked end up in a group laugh with the canned audience signaling the close of the episode. But that's not real life. That's what people who can't deal with real life script for themsleves so they can escape.

I wrote a song about two years ago. The main line that sticks over and over with me is "All my best friends are my enemies." And at the time it didn't seem to have any real resonance that I could understand. It was fictional. It was like P.J. Harvey talks about...people try to find truth behind it, but in reality there wasn't any. At least that was my perception at the time. But I've recently come to the realization that, as much as I love Miss Polly Jean Harvey, she's full of shit. We are songwriters and there is always truth in what we say through our songs. Whether it's a current feeling or a foreshadowing of what could be conceptualized as potential future feelings, it can ring true nonetheless.

We all grow and change. I'm certainly not interested in some of the things I was five years ago. I am interested in things now five years later that held no interest to me five years ago. We are creatures that adapt to the stimuli we are surrounded by. There's nothing wromg with that. But in that, we also notice that people around us may or may not adapt. And that makes us opposed a some degree. Sometimes it makes us so opposed that we need a break for a while. Because you and those other people just aren't in the sync anymore, so to speak.

No one would argue that I am a fiercely independent person, to the degree of foolishness sometimes (from needing my explicit alone time, to not needing to be dependant or have dependants directly related to me, no matter what the trouble may be. Foolish, I say, because we all need help, and generally when I get tot his point I'm to stubborn to say anything. Where in fact I probably should have just asked for help.) This is how I am, take me or leave me. Along these lines I'm at an age where I can't afford time to things I just don't want to do. Call me selfish, that's fine. But I work so hard in other aspects in my life, I just don't think my relationships with others should have to be viewed as work. As something I have to do.
It's my quality time and I'm going to do what I want. I've come to the full realization that there is indeed nothing wrong with this. Maybe this will lead to twenty five years of being fiercely independent (and possibly alone...mind you i'd idn't use the word lonely but alone...two very different connotations) but it doesn't really bother me. I am a loner and I'm comfortable with that. (This is not to say I push people away or don't want interaction with others. I just don't NEED it.) But it's funny because through it all I don't feel lonely. There was a time when I did I suppose, but I don't any longer. I figure, and this figures in especially in potentially intimate relationships with women, when something presents itself that's right for me then I'll take advantage of the opportunity.

At the end of the day, what does this all mean? It means we enter phases in our lives all the times. And I've entered into this sort of self-actualization phase of my life. Now that I'm settled here in Cambridge.This comfort zone if you will. And there's no guilt for lack of "hanging" (oh how i've so come to loathe that word) with friends, no boredom. No lonliness. Only endless opportunity and breathless independence. I can breathe freely knowing this is my life, at least for another few years.

If you don't understand this and try to force the issue, I'm libel to scratch your eyes out like a rabid raccoon and leave your carrion for all the vultures.

(Incidently, calling black people "coons" is the dumbest fucking insult a racist has ever come up with. Think about it. It doesn't even make any sense.Not only, when you really look at them, are raccons incredibly smart and fierce animals, but heir also some of the cutest animals as well. And being called one is supposed to be an insult? It just goes to prove how stupid racists and their ephithets are. Random, yes I know....but fitting as well.)

P.S. I know what your saying. I'm telling myself all this to make myself believe it. To make myself more comfortable. Only someone truly insecure would drone on like above. Well you and your opions can go fuck yourselves. For probably the first time in my life, confidence and security is all I'm feeling.

Currently listening :





Dante XXI
By Sepultura
Release date: By 14 March, 2006

Ground Control To Major Who?

Does any one understand how much other nations laugh at us because we always have to whisper the word sex. Are we aware that by the age of eighteen the average child has seen 200,000 acts of violence and that's perfectly aceptable. At the same time, isn't a little ridiculous that the so called experts try to say that rologed exposure to sexual acts causes a rise in the viloent temperment of children? I'm not sure I catch that. I mean, I guess porn can be violent, but it never ends with someone's limbs being blown off or someone dying. And as snuff films were never realy legal to begin with, I'm fairly certain that the exposure to explict sexual material doesn't involve the denoument of someone getting stabbed at the end after the money shot.

These same people who are afraid of sex are the same people who ban these so called "curse words". Fuck, Shit, Motherfucker, Cocksucker.....they're just fucking words. They can't hurt any one. they do nothing but exclaim a feeling. I just don't understand what the big fucking deal is. Some would say I've become desensitzed towards the vulgar nature of these words. When the truth is, no matter who scatalogical they might be, these words tie back to sex. And it shows how fucking uptight we are in this country.
We're so uptight that we won't even let gay people get married or feel comfortable in their own skin. We're so uptight, that the mere utterance of any of the above words above, actually, fuck that, a mere allusion to the thought of something connected to the above words will get you fined.

They say it's "obscene".

obscene adj.
1)Offensive to accepted standards of decency or modesty.
2)Inciting lustful feelings; lewd.
3)Repulsive; disgusting: The way he writes about the disease that killed her is simply obscene (Michael Korda).
4)So large in amount as to be objectionable or outrageous: local merchants in nearby stores get hammered by stratospheric rents and obscene taxes

There's nothing offensive about a word or a fucking natural act. There's nothing lewd about talking about what's a perfectly acceptable human function. We're trying to teach our children that sex is repulsive and disgusting? For christ's sake, the fines being laid down on these people is obscene according to the above definition, not the actual "acts" the people are being accused of.

Obscene is the fact that the top 1/2 of the richest people in this country could feed to bottom 50. Obscene is that our movie stars and atheletes make more money in one season or on one movie then the salaries of some entire towns police, fire, and teaching departments combined. Obscene is the fact that our legislatures are shaming us into saying what they want us to based on the leadership in the religious right. Obscene is that millions of people a year die from disease, hundreds of thousands more from the debacle in Iraq, and wait where is all our tax money going? Obscene is the fact that we get to set up for the whole Bush administrations retirement fund through high gas prices this summer. Obscene is that the average child sees over 200,000 violent acts on TV by the age of 18, but seeing one remotely reference to sex is going to corrupt a child into a degenerate sex maniac.

I blame the media for most of this. And the internet. Because when I was a kid, (and my fathers a kid before that), we fund the secret stash, thought we were all bad ass, snuck a magazine to school so all your friends could see Madonna naked. Now it's proliferated everything. But that doesn't make it bad. It's just naked people fucking. Or just naked. Either way it's not harmful. It just is.

And meanwhile all of Europe laughs at us. "Look at the freest nation on Earth. And they get a little freaked by a naked body." I think most of my problem though is that if I were to make the decision to allow my children to watch something with sexual material in it i'm a pervert, a bad father. Whether I explain it all to the child or not. (Mind you I'm not making the judgement call here saying I would. But I think it should be much choice to allow my children to watch what I want to let them watch. WItht he proper guidence and talking, you could probably diffuse any of this. and no one can ague how quickly our children grow up today. Mostly as a factor of the society they grow up in. And I honestly don't think I would allow my children to see things I thought they couldn't handle. But that's my job. There's no rules books. If one parent thinks they've talked to their children enough and helped them differentiate fantasy from reality, and explained what sex is to a child and what it means...then that's their choice.) The point is all these fucking religious people are judging everybody. Judging me for swearing, allwoing swearing to be heard, allowing children to see whatever. judging everything and saying and telling us what is what and what SHOULD be what.

And in all this, they don't seems to see the irony in any of it.

I mean, there's all that stuff in the Bible about judging isn't there? Isn't judging bad?

Well let me judge for a second here.

Fuck off.

Stop telling me what is embarrassing and what I should be afraid or embarassed to say or think.



I'm tired of everybody laughing at us because people can't handle a naked breast or a penis or vagina exposed. (I mean... it's just a body part people.)

Aren't you?

Currently listening :





Exile in Oblivion
By Strung Out
Release date: By 02 November, 2004

Holding it all together while we all just fall apart.

I'm moving to Cambridge in approximately 2 weeks. The last time I moved was around two years ago around this same time. I hate moving more then anything, so when I do move if for all the right reasons. So now I begin to reflect back on the last couple of years. While none of us should look to the past and revel in it, it's kind of interesting o see where we were and where we are. It's weird to think I was in such a different headspace even two years ago. People who caused me grief and anguish I either don't think about any more or have made my peace with.

My worries of going from a job I loved (but was wholly uncomfortable at....and now can be told where for entirely different reasons than was aware of at the time) to a job I know I was going to hate but could handle beyond competency have reverted back to a job and company I am so excited to work for again. Many of the factors that brought me to be in lowest place of my life thus far five years ago have all dissapated/come full circle to reverse themselves from negatives to positives. It's just bizarre how so many things change so quickly.

The strangest thing really is the friends I've made and lost over the last five years. (Actually lost is a strong word. I'm not sure that I've lost friends but rather lost contact with them.) Five years ago I was at a point where I didn't need anything, didn't want anything. And then I gained a whole new respect for people you meet through life. But it also made me jaded because these people we meet sometimes become trasient. And no matter what you say or how you try to keep up with them, it just doesn't happen. And that makes you sad. And then you have other friends who change with their own times. And you find you have very little in common with them as you thought you did in the beginning. And the messages and phone calls become less and that's not really anybodies fault. I guess it just happens. And you also have those people who were just fake all along. ANd so your better off forgetting they exist.

I guess what I regret is the fact that I don't talk and hang out with people like I once did. And maybe moving will change that. And maybe it's just that everybodies schedules just aren't working out. But there was a time that, as short in the grand scheme of things as it may seem, I was probably more comofrtable then I've ever been in my life. And people's priorities change and their live's changes and their jobs change, and they should because that's what life ends up being about. And while I wish things were the same they aren't and for most instances won't ever be. But i do miss the times I spent with alot of those people.

At this point this has become some emandering,w andering monologue trying to find sense in the jumpled thoughts I had when I woke up. But what I do know is that everytime I make a big change I feel like something really big is right around the corner. I've a;lways been somewhat dissapointed in not taking adavntage of those situations in the past.

This next month or so feels like another turning pint. Except I get this weird precognition that the next year or two or five, won't turn out to be that dissapointment. Lots of big things happening.

I've recently learned it's all right to be selfish. Don't hold it against me when I am.

Currently listening :






The Future Of What
By Unwound
Release date: By 21 April, 1995

We're not talking because you've got nothing to say.

Change is good.
Keep telling yourself and you'll be one step ahead of the rest of the rat race.
Metaphor for human kind.
What disgusts most, interests me but is that wrong?
Couldn't tell so i walked away.
Things become the same sometimes so we alter their existence in just the slightest way.
And as things die, new things are born.
Skin dies.
So you shed it and grow into your new one.
I can't hear with the yelling going on.
Quiet.
For just a second.
Hear that?
It's your future waving goodbye.
But only if you believe that to be true.
Fuck it, what do you have to lose.
Don't talk, just listen.
And pretty soon, everyone will forget you're around.
Change is good.
Don't make a sound.
Don't forget what made you what you are.
And even if you want to thank those people who helped you?
Don't because they're not listening anyways.
I had enough friends anyways.
As much as I may miss the one's who don't talk anymore.
Because they forgot I was listening.
Does that mean I value the new ones even more?
Because I stopped making a sound?
Why haven't we talked for more than 30 seconds?
Is it that we don't interest each other at all?
Or we're scared that we interest each other too much?
Why is it always easier to listen to yourself typing the words, then actually saying them?
Is that how we're most comfortable?
We're all most comfortable?
Introverted extroverts are the new shy people.
When will I get one step ahead?
Why do I always feel one step behind?
Change is good.

Currently listening :






Those Who Tell the Truth Shall Die, Those Who Tell the Truth Shall Live Forever
By Explosions in the Sky
Release date: By 04 September, 2001