Friday, August 06, 2010

"If you go back for just a second maybe you can feel a little piece of it again."

"If I told you I was thinking of moving would you save a place for me..."

I don't know why I do it. I suppose it's a sickness. At this point its the only thing that makes me feel a glimmer of what I think I want to feel all the time.

Not heartbroken. No. Not anymore.

It's a little what love feels like with more sentimentality.

"This is worse than I expected..."

I'm not lost. Not any more. It's worse to feel nothing than something. Feeling is a state of being. I feel like I can appreciate what i see and hear and for a second it's like being in love.

(Not that I know what that feels like anyways.)

I go through the list of songs, trying to figure out what they say to me. How they make me feel. Sometimes you can go home again. Sometimes you can.

"They can't kill us all if we stay together..."

Collectively. What is collectively. I suppose the basest meaning of the word is a collection of people who form together.

If I wake up and I can tell if I've woken up, have I woken up?

"They can't kill us all but they'll try..."

It's insidious they way it drills inside you and makes you feel something. This is what it's supposed to do on some level. Is there anyone that appreciates it like I do? I wonder (but never answered...)

I want to stop thinking but then I think how?

And that occupies my thoughts. My mind is my own but it engulfs itself in worrying about what to do next.

Why doesn't the phone ring?

"...let me sleep tonight on your couch...."

I want to appreciate the beauty of things without feeling like an outcast. No one can just let a spade be a spade.

"All this was so real..."

If you empty yourself out, is nothing left, or is it just left and meaningless?
And what is meaning except an explanation for the existence of something.
It's an existential crisis of epic proportions that is harder to explain than it is to just simply understand.

"I love you but I'm afraid to love you..."

Why do we listen to songs that make us sad? I'm not even so sure it's sadness that overtake syou when you hear. It's almost like a surrogate for that feeling you get when another person puts a smile across your face.

(So sad really that you need someone else to put a smile there, as you are incapable of putting one there yourself most of the time.)

I've never been diagnosed as clinically depressed because I've never felt clinically depressed. What exactly does that term "clinically depressed" mean? It's almost like an excuse to medicate away the feelings we feel because of any given situation at any given moment.

"Three days was the morning..."

Why do I miss the letters that should come so much more easily underneath my fingertips?

"I am a proud man anyway..."

My hands tingle sometimes when I wake up, everytime making me more an more sure I won't be able to shake it awake this time.

Funny that comfort could cause you the loss of a hand.

"and we saw shadows of the morning light, shadows of the evening sun..."

We're always approaching things like a bear approaches a deer. The deer all delicate and graceful in the shadow of the clumsy and lumbering bear. The deer runs away briskly leaving the bear lonely once again.

I don't know how to act.
*Read that twice. Both ways.

I wish I knew how to act. I acted once, twice, three times, but I forget how to now.

I'm happy when others are happy but I'm also angry because i want to be happy to and my smile says I am but my gut tells me I'm not.

Maybe I do know how to act.

Maybe it's all some grand act.

Waiting by the phone wishing.

(Oh yeah, I hate the phone. So when it rings, I won't answer. And no message will be left. And the phone number...blocked.)

I ruined the only surprise I've gotten in the last year by trying to explain too much.

It's all too much.

"Everything she says...."

It's not about the perfect line, it's about the perfect conversation. And we get so tied up with attempting to come up with the perfect opening line, that we miss the whole conversation. We all want to have a conversation, don't we?

I just want to say, "Hey."