Thursday, April 13, 2006

Holding it all together while we all just fall apart.

I'm moving to Cambridge in approximately 2 weeks. The last time I moved was around two years ago around this same time. I hate moving more then anything, so when I do move if for all the right reasons. So now I begin to reflect back on the last couple of years. While none of us should look to the past and revel in it, it's kind of interesting o see where we were and where we are. It's weird to think I was in such a different headspace even two years ago. People who caused me grief and anguish I either don't think about any more or have made my peace with.

My worries of going from a job I loved (but was wholly uncomfortable at....and now can be told where for entirely different reasons than was aware of at the time) to a job I know I was going to hate but could handle beyond competency have reverted back to a job and company I am so excited to work for again. Many of the factors that brought me to be in lowest place of my life thus far five years ago have all dissapated/come full circle to reverse themselves from negatives to positives. It's just bizarre how so many things change so quickly.

The strangest thing really is the friends I've made and lost over the last five years. (Actually lost is a strong word. I'm not sure that I've lost friends but rather lost contact with them.) Five years ago I was at a point where I didn't need anything, didn't want anything. And then I gained a whole new respect for people you meet through life. But it also made me jaded because these people we meet sometimes become trasient. And no matter what you say or how you try to keep up with them, it just doesn't happen. And that makes you sad. And then you have other friends who change with their own times. And you find you have very little in common with them as you thought you did in the beginning. And the messages and phone calls become less and that's not really anybodies fault. I guess it just happens. And you also have those people who were just fake all along. ANd so your better off forgetting they exist.

I guess what I regret is the fact that I don't talk and hang out with people like I once did. And maybe moving will change that. And maybe it's just that everybodies schedules just aren't working out. But there was a time that, as short in the grand scheme of things as it may seem, I was probably more comofrtable then I've ever been in my life. And people's priorities change and their live's changes and their jobs change, and they should because that's what life ends up being about. And while I wish things were the same they aren't and for most instances won't ever be. But i do miss the times I spent with alot of those people.

At this point this has become some emandering,w andering monologue trying to find sense in the jumpled thoughts I had when I woke up. But what I do know is that everytime I make a big change I feel like something really big is right around the corner. I've a;lways been somewhat dissapointed in not taking adavntage of those situations in the past.

This next month or so feels like another turning pint. Except I get this weird precognition that the next year or two or five, won't turn out to be that dissapointment. Lots of big things happening.

I've recently learned it's all right to be selfish. Don't hold it against me when I am.

Currently listening :

The Future Of What
By Unwound
Release date: By 21 April, 1995

No comments: