Tuesday, December 26, 2006

"Catch it on a bad day and you'll be jumping a rift..."

On a daily basis how many delusions do we put ourselves through? How many risks do we avaoid because there's no reward, really.

I'm so frusterated with simple things that really shouldn't bother me at all. I'm annoyed by things I should take as acts of goodwill because I've written them off before they've even begun.

There's so many thing started and left...unfinished.

We all want things to ultimately be less complicated then theya ctually are. We want the simple things in lives that, we are told, are the same thigns everyone else wants.

A shelter, clothes, food, if you're lucky a companion.

Sometimes I'm not sure I really want nay of these things at all.

You can't go home again. These words are true.

There's this whole burgeoning....thing..in front of me. I"m a little nervous about it because it's life altering, life changing even, but I'm happy to possibly engage in it.

My father is a nomad. Never happy in any place for any long amoutn of time. I equate this with a lack of fullfillment in his life and emotions, professional, physical, and psychological levels. I tend towards these tendencies bt only on a mental level.

Two years is a long time. I NEED to now do something...else.

Whether it's a wish fulfillment of a previous act already started and not completed, or something completely new and unadulterated.

I feel restless. Most of the itme I feel restless.

I need a Bonnie for my Clyde. A creative partner. Someone who understands and can analyse the things I do.

Or maybe I don't need anyone at all.

I'm so tired of thinking I'm on the same page with someone only later to find out we were reading different books. It's disheartening and not a way to fulfill any loss of...whatever.

"Cash in your chips son. Your'e gonna need them to get all the way over to the other side..."

Currently listening:
Hip Hop Is Dead
By Nas
Release date: By 19 December, 2006

Monday, December 18, 2006

"If timing is everything then I have nothing."

I hate this.

Natural isn't a state of being.

Things move too fast or too slow or on completely different tracks altogether and never ever at at natural pace.

The nature of us as people is to be anything but natural.

We are all always three steps behind or ten steps ahead.

Every action or inaction, response or non response, whether people are aware of it or not, has a reaction, if not in acutual movement then in thought.

Whatever, I'm over it. (Or am I?)

I think too much and I hate it.

Currently listening:

Becoming X
By Sneaker Pimps
Release date: By 25 February, 1997

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

"Be very quiet and maybe you won't scare them away."


I like the word. It has so many menaings and so much relevence to, well really, everything.

Some might point out the fact that I both love this wrd and identify with it at the same time makes me some kind of masochist. I don't agree.

I feel like, sometimes at least, any part of anything I'm involved in eventually gets to a crash point, a point where all the tension and anxiety of said thng, realtionship, person, situation, what have you, builds to this crescendo that ends either bery loudly or very quietly, emotionally or physically, into a sort of crash.

The subject of fear of rejection has been approached before. But on a deeper level...

Sometimes I feel like I want everything to crash, to fall apart, to collapse on itself.

I suppose part of it is because the natural next step in a situation like that would be to start over from scratch...which is really refreshing in a way I suppose.

I've got all these things right now that are these various states of being, limbo realy, that are not anywhere close to being finished.

Funny things is, I've gotten this recent fire under my ass, for whatever reason, to finish, carry on or at least try to begin the process of compleeing these balls in the air.

Resolutions, especially New Years ones, are pointless and meaningless because no one ever follows through on them.

There's so many things to resolve. BUt I have resolve to resolve these things so all situations are resolved.


That's not even true. I've been tending toward avoidence a lot.

Timing is the thing that kills me most. I feel like I have the worst timing in the world. It's almost a bad luck equation that I can't avoid. Which I then blame for my lack of completion. But it's all so much more complicated than that.

Isn't it?

So the key I suppose is to motivate myself to do the things I want to do. I'm trying. I'm trying to change a lot of sum-odd years of procrastinating and not finishing things in a relatively short amount of time.

Without therapy.

How great is it to wake up and want to be somewhere completely different and know that a few words, a little push in the right direction will maybe get you a little closer to your goals. (Which then, funny enough, present a whole bunch of new goals for you to have to accomplish.)

Baby steps. Baby steps.

Perhaps, just maybe, I'll learn all this soon.

Like tomorrow.

Hey, it's a process I know. You try changing habits of thirty years in a month.

At least I'm trying.


Currently listening:

Actions & Indications
By Seaweed
Release date: By 12 January, 1999

Saturday, December 02, 2006

"Why do you always do that thing you do with the feelings?"

It seems, over the last week, I've developed this, probably bordering on unhealthy, ridiculous obsession with one Polly Jean Harvey.

When I was probably around 19 or 20, one of the last shows I attended with my friend Mike before we kind of lost touch with each other was a show she played at Avalon. She wore bright red lipstick, her hair flowed down her back and she had this tight pink catsuit on. It seemed like most of the night she was singing directly to me or Mike the entire night (and actually more to Mike than me for which to this day I am eternally jealous). She is the ultimate showwoman knowing exactly what it takes to perform and entrance the crowd. To this day, there have been few shows that were more special than the one I witnessed from the first row that night.

I am not one to get these ridiculous and completely unrealistic crushes with celebrities for those exact stated previous reasons in this sentence. But every once in a while....

Polly Jean Harvey is, by my own high standards, perfect.

I've tried try to listen to other music, but it genrally all ends up coming back to her.

I feel inspired.

And happy.

And bleeding.

On another note, patience is really not something I've ever been good with. Came back and hit me in the face this week a couple of times.

It's really a quality that I am lacking and have to learn.

Quickly. (And cue laughter here Aaron Sorkin...)

And on one other note....

(This being in all actuallity a note or letter if you will...)

Dear Paris Hilton and Britney Spears,

Please start wearing panties. None of us want to see where undoubtedly countless other men have been before. Plus, Britney has that C-section scar. And that's not sexy. Men want sexy.

As a matter of fact....start wearing pants too.

The kind that leave everything to the imagination.


The Public

Side note to Lindsey Lohan - Keep doing what you've been doing. Wear as little as possible actually. At the very least, it makes of laugh because we are all fully aware your not that naive, and it doesn't make us men want to throw up. Also, if your not going to stop drinking completely, what's the point of going to AA. Stop fooling yourself.

Currently listening:

Rid Of Me
By PJ Harvey
Release date: By 30 June, 1992