Monday, June 05, 2006

"I wanted to send you flowers, but I didn't want you to take it the wrong way."

But what exactly is the wrong way? (It 's that everything will change once the flowers arrive.)

Are the things we're most afraid of the things we avoid? I only ask the rhetorical question based on the fact that I know the answer inherently. Avoidence is really the key to attempting to confront anything.

I often sit back and watch without acting. Sometimes this has probably cost me things that I could have otherwise had. But then the question begs to be asked, "Do I sit back and allowthings to happen becaus eI'm afraid thata cting will enact them never happening?" Or am I aware that the inactivity is a result of knowing action will not result in anything.

This is a defeatist attitude. And yet I don't tend towards being a defeatist. Generally.

So, example, i see an interesting girl on the T. She's reading a book that I read and liked. Do I talk to her? Of course not because in this day and age, aren't you seen as some creepy guy? Or is that just my perception based on my fear of rejection? Or is it in all actuality the reality of a situation.

I saw a sketch on Saturday Night Live recently featuuring Tom brady. And really it summed everything up. And realy doesn't it all relate back to self-image.

Sometmes I have a healthy self-image. I'm comfortable with myself generally. But i'm not comfortable with being potentially judged. So i don't put myself in that situation. To be judged. Because who really wants to be judged.

It's all very complex, being comfortable on some level but not on others. And supposedly it's a trun off to not have confidence in one's self. But I do. I do my job well. I'm good at singing in a band. I never feel more confident then when I'm on a stage interacting with peolple (whther theyw ant to or not. If you've been to a show you know of what i speak.)

So basically what is it? What does it take? It does take so much exterted mental energy to not only get comfortable but approach someone and talk to them. I'm well aware I'm the ultimate intorverted extrovert. (Menaing, if I'm comfortable around you you can't shut me up. But if I don't know you, my lips shut like a safe.)

I think I get so self concious about utting off that I am not myself. Or i'm so in need of acceptance that I'm too much myslef. But in reality I'm so where in between. I like my alone time, but I like to hang out with friends.

I don't like thinking there's anything I have to do. I feel the need to WANT to do things.

Sometimes thngs are safer if you keep them like they are, no matter who much you feel that it could be better given circumstance.

Every boy wants to be Lloyd outside Diane's window playing "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel in the rain on his boombox. The reality of the situation is the person who often does that is seen as weird and creepy because those things work in scripts but not in real life. Because if your Diane, innumerable the person standing outside your window is almost never Lloyd and almost always the other guy.

And in all reality, all we really want is a girl who will lay in bed with us and watch that movie with us and then fall asleep next to us after. At the end of the day boomboxes, rain, and Peter Gabriel aren't really needed.

Currently listening :

Words from the Exit Wound
By Napalm Death
Release date: By 09 March, 1999

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