Sunday, May 07, 2006

Losing and finding are completely non-exclusive.

Sometimes we can't be bothered with the scripts of our past. Things keep reminding you to live backwards, when you in fact are only trying to move forward. There's too many things going on and I just want to sit back and watch. We watch movies and television and want the plot lines to follow that of our own lives but things don't work that way. Because it's not real.

In a perfect world somebody asks me to go somewhere, and because i'm really interested in both the person and where they want me to go, I shirk all my other responsibilites and just do it. And the responsibilites I've shirked end up in a group laugh with the canned audience signaling the close of the episode. But that's not real life. That's what people who can't deal with real life script for themsleves so they can escape.

I wrote a song about two years ago. The main line that sticks over and over with me is "All my best friends are my enemies." And at the time it didn't seem to have any real resonance that I could understand. It was fictional. It was like P.J. Harvey talks about...people try to find truth behind it, but in reality there wasn't any. At least that was my perception at the time. But I've recently come to the realization that, as much as I love Miss Polly Jean Harvey, she's full of shit. We are songwriters and there is always truth in what we say through our songs. Whether it's a current feeling or a foreshadowing of what could be conceptualized as potential future feelings, it can ring true nonetheless.

We all grow and change. I'm certainly not interested in some of the things I was five years ago. I am interested in things now five years later that held no interest to me five years ago. We are creatures that adapt to the stimuli we are surrounded by. There's nothing wromg with that. But in that, we also notice that people around us may or may not adapt. And that makes us opposed a some degree. Sometimes it makes us so opposed that we need a break for a while. Because you and those other people just aren't in the sync anymore, so to speak.

No one would argue that I am a fiercely independent person, to the degree of foolishness sometimes (from needing my explicit alone time, to not needing to be dependant or have dependants directly related to me, no matter what the trouble may be. Foolish, I say, because we all need help, and generally when I get tot his point I'm to stubborn to say anything. Where in fact I probably should have just asked for help.) This is how I am, take me or leave me. Along these lines I'm at an age where I can't afford time to things I just don't want to do. Call me selfish, that's fine. But I work so hard in other aspects in my life, I just don't think my relationships with others should have to be viewed as work. As something I have to do.
It's my quality time and I'm going to do what I want. I've come to the full realization that there is indeed nothing wrong with this. Maybe this will lead to twenty five years of being fiercely independent (and possibly alone...mind you i'd idn't use the word lonely but alone...two very different connotations) but it doesn't really bother me. I am a loner and I'm comfortable with that. (This is not to say I push people away or don't want interaction with others. I just don't NEED it.) But it's funny because through it all I don't feel lonely. There was a time when I did I suppose, but I don't any longer. I figure, and this figures in especially in potentially intimate relationships with women, when something presents itself that's right for me then I'll take advantage of the opportunity.

At the end of the day, what does this all mean? It means we enter phases in our lives all the times. And I've entered into this sort of self-actualization phase of my life. Now that I'm settled here in Cambridge.This comfort zone if you will. And there's no guilt for lack of "hanging" (oh how i've so come to loathe that word) with friends, no boredom. No lonliness. Only endless opportunity and breathless independence. I can breathe freely knowing this is my life, at least for another few years.

If you don't understand this and try to force the issue, I'm libel to scratch your eyes out like a rabid raccoon and leave your carrion for all the vultures.

(Incidently, calling black people "coons" is the dumbest fucking insult a racist has ever come up with. Think about it. It doesn't even make any sense.Not only, when you really look at them, are raccons incredibly smart and fierce animals, but heir also some of the cutest animals as well. And being called one is supposed to be an insult? It just goes to prove how stupid racists and their ephithets are. Random, yes I know....but fitting as well.)

P.S. I know what your saying. I'm telling myself all this to make myself believe it. To make myself more comfortable. Only someone truly insecure would drone on like above. Well you and your opions can go fuck yourselves. For probably the first time in my life, confidence and security is all I'm feeling.

Currently listening :

Dante XXI
By Sepultura
Release date: By 14 March, 2006