Sunday, April 25, 2010

"A Conversation."



"Ummm...what are you up to?"

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know. I guess it was just one of those attempts to try to feel like I knew what to say. I hate small talk. But it seems that's the only way to get involved in know...conversation."

"Yeah. I hate that. Never feeling like I know what to say."

"Conversations are so hard to have. All the things I think about saying always say so crazy be fore they come out of my mouth. So instead I just resort to things like 'what are you up to'? When in reality there are so many other things I could have asked you. When in reality, the one question I do ask has a potential, at best, length of about 2 minutes in conversation time at which time I will have no idea what to say next. I already feel like I'm talking to much."

"Naw. You're not. I think most people feel that way. Maybe it's a result of the way technology has invaded out lives. It seems the instant messagings and textings and facebookings of the word has made us so much more conversational. I'm not even sure people like talking to each other anymore. It's like it's too hard or something."

"Yeah. I mean, I don't even like talking on the phone. Mostly because the whole time I'm worrying about the connection being lost or my minutes running out or just my phone dying leading in a sort of wordless rejection that I may not mean to give and you could potentially very much take as a dismissal of anything interesting that you may have been saying."

"I'm not even sure people get my texts. So when a text goes unanswered, it's like, is that intentional or did they just not get my text. It's agonizing and eventually, to save face, you just have to give up."

"Yeah. Let me ask you something."

"Okay, what."

"What do you want?"

"what do you mean?"

"I you ever think about what you really want. Do you ever wonder what you could be doing instead of what you are doing. DO you ever wonder what you want other people to do...things that could affect what you do?"

"I'm not sure I ever have time to think about things that deeply. I mean people are going to do what they do. It either may affect me or it may not. I'm not sure I can think about how much control that would have over my own actions. I mean, if I thought about that too much, it would probably be too much. Too intense."

"I can see that. I guess what I really mean in all that is I often try to figure out what I want...what I want to do because my previous actions have lead me to what I don't want. I probably do think about it to much."

"Yeah. You should probably relax a little. I don't mean that in a condescending wya mind you. I just mean that you create a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy by thinking the way you do all the time."

"Do you think..."

"Again with the thinking..."

"Not do I think...Do you think the way things happen are an intricately laid out plan the world has for us or that we are left to our own evices to make things happen for ourselves."

"I think it's important to take hold of what you want if that's what you mean."

" see I'm not sure I agree with that."

"How so?"

"Well, every time I try to do that, it just doesn't seem right. And it sure as hell never seems to work out right."

"There's a lot to showing confidence you know?"

"How am I supposed to show confidence if I don't feel confident?"

"Oh. Well in that case, I'm not so sure then. I mean you can't feel not confident all the time, can you?"

"No. I don't feel not confident all the time. Just the times when I really want something badly."

"Well, then I'm just not sure."

"Yeah, I don't know either."