Wednesday, March 24, 2010

"They Don't Take Photos At Funerals."

It's like that feeling you get when your hungry but you don't know what you want to eat. Not the pregnant kind of hungry, with ice cream and pickles, but more like one thing could make your day complete if you just knew what it was that you wanted to feel yourself digesting. You pick something up, put something down, nothing seems like it will satiate that hunger you have until you see the thing that will. Then something sparks as your eyes makes the one last pass, and you find the thing you have been looking for all along, not realizing that it was always much closer than you realized.

Or maybe it's not really anything like that at all.

We are surrounded by rules. Rules society sets. Rules we set for ourselves. Rules that are simply for social situations so that we can't really tell what each other is thinking.

Everything is set forth for us for a reason.

But what if we lived life without rules. Or maybe more specifically, what if we lived life without restraints.

I wish I could live my life without constantly worrying about what is thought of me. Only by certain people. I often find myself thinking the people whose opinions I care most about me are the people who quite frankly don't think about me at all.

Which in itself is a sort of rejection. (Not to say that people who do think something of me, aren't important or their thoughts don't mean anything. In these cases most of the time I actually know what they think of me and have created a buffer myself to be able to handle whatever they think of me be it good or bad.)

There are so many things in life that I think we wish were easier.

I wish it was easier to meet people. I wish it was easier to get to know people.

We carry all these pre-conceived notions about the people we see on a daily basis that in essence create this wall or reasoning about why we can't "know" them any better than how we will in that specific moment when we first form our opinions about them.

I see people on a daily basis that interest me. That I find intriguing but it won't ever go any further than that.

Don't ask, don't tell.

I sit there with this low confidence, want to be accepted and need to not be perceived as a creep leching upon a person I find interesting. (I think the notion of where we are as a society shows that any stranger attempting to talk to another stranger is immediately taken as an attempt by the one who makes "the move (not being sexually in this case, but simply being interested) and as such all those dreams of meeting someone in passing are shattered because of the pre-conceived notions we hold for each other and what the news shows us on a nightly basis.)

Every person that walks up to me is a potential pervert, creep, or general malcontent.

I don't typically lust after every girl I see that I find intriguing. It doesn't go that far for me in an initial meeting.

Introverted extroverts are the hardest type of people to be. I can't stand the feeling of wanting to crawl out of my skin when I'm around people I don't know.

Strike that: People I'm not comfortable around (I know lots of people who still give me the feeling I've described above.)

As I get older, it gets infinitely and increasingly more difficult to change.

I'd ask you to hang out, but I don't know what we would do.

What do people do?

What do we do?

Sunday, March 14, 2010

"The enemy of my friend is my..."

"I just woke up one day and I knew."

"Knew what?"

"What I was never sure of with you."

I'm cynical of people who say their significant other is their best friend. I'm cynical because I'm not sure this is possible. There's a raw to truth that I share with my best friends that I've never been able to really share with anyone I've dated. But maybe that's the key...maybe that's what finding someone is about.

I've never wanted to be friends more after a relationship that with the last girl I dated. I've had lots of other relationships in my life, most of which have ended messily, and almost all of which I've had no inclination at all to be friends with the people it didn't work out with. But this last one, I really wanted to be friends. Maybe it was some deep seeded sense of masochism to retain a relationship with someone who rejected me or maybe it was deep seated fantasy that made me believe that if we retained our friendship, there was a chance of something else happening again later. More likely though, it was the fact that I really liked her, really believed on a basic level that she was a good person, and really for the first time in my life figured that some sort of relationship with this person was better than nothing at all.

This person will not talk to me anymore in any circumstance, so I'm forced to move on.

But what I learned beyond the initial lust and passion of this last relationship is nothing is built on these things. And once these things had faded, it was too late to build that friendship that you probably desperately need to retain any sort of romantic involvement with anyone. And your left hurt, rejected, and knowing that on some level you feel your not even worth retaining a friendship with.

(Those feelings being temporary and in time realizing it's really not you, it was her all along.)

SO what do you take in the future. It's so difficult because we're always on guard, we're always looking for people's ulterior motives. When all we really want in building any relationship is to start with this ideal of friendship and see if it can move beyond that. I want a best friend. I don't now if I need someone who is just another best friend. But more than that, I want a new friend. All we all want is a friend probably, when it comes down to it. Or maybe, just maybe we want the above.

When someone tells you they weren't the one, even though you wanted to believe it, maybe that's the part you have to pay attention to. That you believed or wanted to believe, rather than just know.

I don't know what dating is or is supposed to consist of. I do know how to be a good a loyal friend. I know how to talk and sit and listen and watch movies and laugh. I don't know how that's any different than what I experience already with my best friends now.

I just know it's not the same. But I also have more faith than ever that I can wait until I do know.

Thursday, March 04, 2010

"Become Where You Are."

I'm tired.

I'm tired and I can't sleep.

I'm tired because I can't sleep.

The thoughts in my head keep me up on a nightly basis.

I'm tired of trying to be something I'm not even though I'm not sure what that is. I'm tired of being expected to fulfill goals that I don't even hold for myself. I'm tired of trying to be the person other(s) want me to be. I'm tired of thinking that who I am is who you see me as. I'm tired of being friendly. I'm tired of being a friend. I'm tired of opening my mouth without any words coming out. I'm tired of portraying that I'm not confident when I know I am. I'm tired of knowing I'm good enough and not just thinking I'm not.

I'm tired of knowing what's good for me. I'm tired of living what's bad for me. I'm tired of pretending to not like seemingly diametrically opposed things when it's okay to like them both. I'm tired of seeing those around me act like it doesn't matter when it does. I'm tired of things not being good enough.

Who do we want to be?

Who do I want to be?

I'm tired of trying to act like myself but not feeling like myself. I'm tired of being frozen. I'm tired of the feeling my heart makes at certain times of the day when it feels like it could pound through my chest for something in the end that's really just silly. I'm tired of thinking "it" is silly. I'm tired of acting a part. I'm tired of playing games. I'm tired of everything involved with "it". I'm tired of not really understanding what "it" is.

What do we want?

What is it that we all want?

I want to be. Not be in a zen sense, because that's one of those things that people pretend to understand with little knowledge of what it all actually means.

I'm not educated enough on some subjects to pretend to know what I'm talking about.

I want to exist. I want to co-exist. I want to enjoy. I want to smile. I want to be smiled at. I want to look and not feel ashamed or embarrassed. I want eyes to lock without the immediate reaction being to look away. I want to be comfortable without settling for anything. I want to know what that level of comfort is. I want to sit and talk, one on one, about nothing. I want to stop acting and start being.

I don't know that I want you but I know I want you.

It's not simple. It's complicated. It's always complicated. I'm not even sure you can understand what I am trying to get across...trying to say. I want to say the things I said and I don't want to be cute or charming.

But I do.

I want to talk specifically and generally all at the same time.

"I know all this and more."

And that I don't know anything.

I just want to start from scratch.

Do you know how to do that?

I want to wake up not alone.

You might not be hearing me correctly. You might not be comprehending me correctly.






Not alone.

I want to sleep.

But I can't.