Monday, June 26, 2006

"Say another word and I'll cut your fucking throat..."

We stay silent.
We keep quiet.
We stay silent about the way we actually feel.
We keep quiet to avoid the drama involved in the situation saying something would cause.
We stay silent about the way the world falls around us.
We keep quiet and hope it will all get better.
We stay silent even though something tells us inside to be loud.
We keep quiet to hope it will all go away.
We stay silent because we're told we should.
We keep quiet and wish we had said something meaningful when it happened.
We stay silent because we're embarrassed.
We keep quiet until the storm passes.
We stay silent and hope that they're thinking what we're thinking.
We keep quiet knowing that you don't live here anymore.
We stay silent for a lack of words.
We keep quiet because we're simply stricken speechless.
We stay silent hoping we'll get another chance someday.
We keep quiet because it wouldn't do any good anyways.
We stay silent because there's strength there.
We keep quiet because we've said all we could say.
We stay silent and wonder what happens if we tell the truth.
We keep quiet because the truth never sets you free.
We stay silent because beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
We keep quiet because you can't capture beauty, you can only behold it.
We stay silent when there's nothing else to say.
We keep quiet despite there's plenty to say.
We stay silent because timing isn't our thing.
We keep quiet because we just missed the opportunity.
We stay silent when we're shocked.
We keep quiet to shock.
We stay silent but to apologize for our past transgressions.
We keep quiet when we're not really sorry at all.
We stay silent to avoid.
We keep quiet to avoid.
We stay silent when what we want to say is what you don't want to hear.
We keep quiet to make things easier for you.
We stay silent even though everything tells us to shout.
We keep quiet to avoid embarrassing ourselves to others.
We stay silent because life is not a movie.
We keep quiet because there is no happily every after.
We stay silent when we want to give advice.
We keep quiet because no one wants our advice.
We stay silent, saying more then we could say with words.
We keep quiet because we like it better that way.
We stay silent and we keep quiet.
And it's making us lose our fucking minds.

Currently listening :

Fantastic Planet
By Failure
Release date: By 13 August, 1996

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Elvis has left the building and so have the Cash Money Millionaires...


Currently listening :

By Mr. Lif
Release date: By 13 June, 2006

Monday, June 12, 2006

Pace looks to be a long ride....and never talk to strangers...

I'll share whatever you need to share. Self-confidence is a self-fulfilling prophecy. The sun means it's summer which almost rhymes with things I don't think about. If you're a soldier your fucked in as much as your screwed. Follow and don't question. I've got a revolution and you're meant to ride it with me. I'll sink as far as you'll let me. Loose lips sink ships and all, but I have nothing more to say. Be quiet, close your eyes and take a kiss on the lips, because it's the last thing you may ever truly "feel". I've got this thing that's telling me things could get real complicated soon. The next statement contains this false positive. I'm holding back things that come to the brim of your conciousness. Don't say the following things because i'm not listening anymore. "You're great but it's never gonna work out between us." "Age ain't nothing but a number." "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." "Don't you think I'm attractive?"

Stop telling me what's good for me and everyone else. Just stop and do something, anything. I don't need anymore friends. But I'm feeling a need for a few more enemies.

Currently listening :

Us and Them
By Godflesh
Release date: By 22 June, 1999

Sunday, June 11, 2006

They won't be more equal than we are. Not on my watch. (Goverment is a fucking idiot pt. 1)

Millions of people are dying for reason that are directly related to our actions not only in the middle east but as a result of our fiscal and personal responsibities, foremost in our own country, but also world wide and our lawmakers and President are most concerned with fining broadcasters more money per incident of indecency over the PUBLIC airwaves (for which i will talk about more at some other point, because believe it or not we are being extorted in as much as the mob extorts it's chosen business for their own protection) and trying to fucking pass an AMENDMENT to the BILL OF RIGHTS that bans gay marriage.
So not only would this contradict ebvery amendment made, including the bill of rights, but essentially paves the ways to strip homosexuals of their human rights in the future in this country. Drastic you might say? BUt look at how slowly our first amendment rights have been stripped away over the last 6 years through the politics of making us not only afraid to speak our minds freely but to inform ourselves of the outside world. (You need no bigger example of this than a recent Henry Rollins story I heard where he was pulled aside for a simple BOOK he was reading to inform him more on the state of terrorism in our world. And while true it was in Australia where he was confronted, they are in this state of fear following what America has thrown out there. All this and at least in Australia they confront you and ask you about what your reading. In the good old U.S.A they'd simply keep a file on you until they had enough info to simply McCarthy your ass into jail......but I digress.) YOur saying what does all this have to do with anything? Well, our government has found that the fear campaign has worked so well against the "war" on terrorism, that they are adopting it towards their other agendas as well.
"Homosexuals threaten the normal american lifestyle." These are the phrases they use. Idiots like Rick Santorum would have you believe that homsexuals are proliferating the good wholesomeness of our country. I say fuck that.
The reason our country is like that is because it's afraid of the word sex and anything conencted to it. And as a result we become, as I've stated earlier, the laughing state of the united states. It always comes back to sex.
Most people don't want to see peopel displaying their affection for each other out in public. I know I don't, be it straight ot gay. This doesn't make it an obscene act or something dirty. It simply makes it something I don't need to see. The sacrity of what happens between you and another person and how you show that to each other it between you too. IT doesn't mean that we can't be EDUCATED on this stuff in the right enviornment, nor does it mean it can't be talked about or discussed, but it doesn't need to be demonstrated. And really this is why people laugh at us as a country, and until we get over these pre-occupations and problems with sexuality that we will never been seen as anything more than giggling 14 yearolds in the school yard.
Because we refuse to accept homosexuality as something that exists in our society, the only option we give people that we ignore is to force us to see that they are there. Homosexuality is not going away, it's not a phase, it's not an anomoly. It exists and people still ignore it as if it will go away if they do.
Because we can't deal with the reality that for some people, the person of their same sex is who theya re attracted to. And what more, we expect them to understand our heterosexual attractions as if it's not as foreign a concept to them as homsoexulaity might be to us. (What's worse is at the edn of the day it's not that hard to understand. Some guys are attracted to other guys, just like some men are attracted to women exclusivly with big breasts and large booties. I don't see what the big deal is. Anyways...)
So, this leeds to the argument of what causes homosexuality. Because if it's a choice...blah blah blah...deviant behavior...blah blah blah. I am firmly of the belief that it is fully genetic, and while there's no absolute evidence as of yet, genetticists are getting closer and closer to solving this puzzle. SO if homosexulaity is then genetic, you CAN'T change it. IT exists and we have to accept it as something that exists. I am one to believe that given a choice between a life of acceptence and relative ease and a life of hatred and harshness, one would opt for the former and not the latter, unless you were a sado-masichist. So why would someone choose to be gay, if life would be so much easier if they were staright.
But really it runs even deeper than this. Because you can't ask someone to change what they are inside. Some people consider it sacrilegde to compare the civil rights movement to gay rights, but how is it any different. Being the child of mixed races, I've felt prejudice and racisim my entire life, uniquely from black and white people. I see my struggle (to which, at 30 years of age, at least sitting in my apartment in Cambridge, I can say there have been stides made in the last thirty years....) not much different than hat of homosexuals to be accepted.
Because we as a society are so upfuckingtight about sexuality, we can't just let it go. Homosexual people are just like us. making them no less capabable of having a normal family, raising children , having menaingful realtionships and staying married more consistently then staright people can in this day and age. Homosexuals aren't pedophiles or sexual deviants, there people who are attracted to people of the same se. And for as much as people say they don't care what people do in their wbedrooms, there are a whole lot of 'Buts' generally associated to those types of statements. And those same people who say sexuality should be an issue, make it an issue. It's the same old politician double speak we hear from everything from the Iraq war to the price of gas in our country.
The best part of the word homophobia is the entymology of the word...literally meaning "The fear of gays." The great thing about fears is that they can be overcome with understanding. I'm not saying we will evr understand what it is to be gay, just as a man will never know what it's lie to be a womana or a caucasian will never know what it is to be a african american or vise versa. But we can understand and sympathisize with where any person different is going through. How hard is that to fucking undertsand? How hard is it to have empathy for another set of people? We had it for all the people who died on 9/11 and as a result of the gross mis-mamangement that went on in New Orleans.
Unfortunately we live in a country that's largely conceived in the mind of middle america and the religious right. And they are SO busy judging every one else and forgetting that, (not that i'm a bible thumper, but ratehr using their own logic), if you look at your own beliefs, we ALL sin. SO your sins of judging other people are no worse than the "Supposed" sins the gay people are committing. People like this are SO aftraid to look in the mirror and take account of themselves, they worry about everybody else far too much. The syaing i belive is "Lest he throw the last stone be without sin." or something like that. Well accorindg to the might writers of the bible, none of us are without sin. SO there.
We live in a country that refuses to take action on soemthing until unneccesary things happen. Mathew Sheppard had to die before we culd look at gay's civil rights as an issue thata ctually had to be addressed. And even then has anything really been done, aside from a little attention and people saying "well, he was living in sin."
Judge lest you be judged yourself.
The saddest thing is that we even have to make these disticntions at all (no less four seperate times in our own Constitution already (the actually document it self, the 14th amendment, 15th amendment, and the 19th amendment) whent he document itself is clear enough already. Essentially this amendment, if ever passed (this is the second time it's been attempted within the last six times and it will probably be attemtped a couple more times before King George is out of office) will start a slippery slope towards a sort of cultural apartheid in our country. And it's not a slope easliy climbed back up.
It's time to stop being the epople who stand by while this fight goe on in front of us. It's time for us to stand up and say something. And all it takes is to say "This is rdiculous. I'm not going to stand for one more person in this country to be treated as less than a person." All it takes is one word, that we've grown increasingly and disturbingly more accustomed to saying in our complacentcy. The same kind of complacentcy that allowed a person like Matthew Sheppard to be murdered.


Currently listening :

By Red Tape
Release date: By 10 February, 2004

Saturday, June 10, 2006

The good ones always get away 5 minutes before you're ready to invest...

...and they're always available 5 minutes after you've spent the rest of your money.

Viscerally, getting ready to walk up steps that lead to the beginning of the end of your naturally born life. You don't get nervous but your heart does increasing ever so slightly above it's normal pace as if to tell you it likes this feeling so don't fuck it up. Looking around furiously, lording over all infront of you you wait to begin. Your intsrument in your hand, the swirling cacophony behind you beginning to build, you are centered and comfortable. You start to accept and become. It doesn't take long to make your decisions. Your different now, brash, outgoing, loud, violent and playful. All the things your intorverted self is not, at least not at this magnitude. You look at the people in front of you and make a snap judgment, if there is no reaction you will make them have one. If there is a reaction, you will enhance it, testing the mettle of the member in front of you. Your eyes lock most prominently with those you engage themselves in what is going on. Your eyes lock and you share something passionate and life fulfilling and the same words that come out of your mouth are also comeing out of there's, trancelike. Selfishly, you're always hoping there's at least one girl to share this experience with. They always deserve the most attention. But the people who shirk back surprised, they deserve even more. You lose sense of everything that goes on as your insides empty out on the PA. Someone who is usually such a hygenic person could care less that he is now glistening on your brow ready to trade sweat with anyone who dares brush upon you. You are lost in yourself but found by the people around you. It never last longer then 30 minutes and you're spent, having first thought about who you locked eyes with, and who you want to discuss this connection with after. Then you think about who "gets it". You prepare to thank these people for sharing in this experience with you. And as your chest heaves from the workout, you take a swig of water, a swig of beer, and know this is home. This is where you always want to be. Because nothing will ever be as important.

Currently listening :

Youth Are Getting Restless: Live in Amsterdam
By Bad Brains
Release date: By 10 May, 1990

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Boston is the new Seattle.

Roll the dice.

Take a chance.

I've been here the whole time.

(Yes the CD I'm listening to is significant.)

Currently listening :

To Ride, Shoot Straight and Speak the Truth
By Entombed
Release date: By 28 October, 1997

Monday, June 05, 2006

"I wanted to send you flowers, but I didn't want you to take it the wrong way."

But what exactly is the wrong way? (It 's that everything will change once the flowers arrive.)

Are the things we're most afraid of the things we avoid? I only ask the rhetorical question based on the fact that I know the answer inherently. Avoidence is really the key to attempting to confront anything.

I often sit back and watch without acting. Sometimes this has probably cost me things that I could have otherwise had. But then the question begs to be asked, "Do I sit back and allowthings to happen becaus eI'm afraid thata cting will enact them never happening?" Or am I aware that the inactivity is a result of knowing action will not result in anything.

This is a defeatist attitude. And yet I don't tend towards being a defeatist. Generally.

So, example, i see an interesting girl on the T. She's reading a book that I read and liked. Do I talk to her? Of course not because in this day and age, aren't you seen as some creepy guy? Or is that just my perception based on my fear of rejection? Or is it in all actuality the reality of a situation.

I saw a sketch on Saturday Night Live recently featuuring Tom brady. And really it summed everything up. And realy doesn't it all relate back to self-image.

Sometmes I have a healthy self-image. I'm comfortable with myself generally. But i'm not comfortable with being potentially judged. So i don't put myself in that situation. To be judged. Because who really wants to be judged.

It's all very complex, being comfortable on some level but not on others. And supposedly it's a trun off to not have confidence in one's self. But I do. I do my job well. I'm good at singing in a band. I never feel more confident then when I'm on a stage interacting with peolple (whther theyw ant to or not. If you've been to a show you know of what i speak.)

So basically what is it? What does it take? It does take so much exterted mental energy to not only get comfortable but approach someone and talk to them. I'm well aware I'm the ultimate intorverted extrovert. (Menaing, if I'm comfortable around you you can't shut me up. But if I don't know you, my lips shut like a safe.)

I think I get so self concious about utting off that I am not myself. Or i'm so in need of acceptance that I'm too much myslef. But in reality I'm so where in between. I like my alone time, but I like to hang out with friends.

I don't like thinking there's anything I have to do. I feel the need to WANT to do things.

Sometimes thngs are safer if you keep them like they are, no matter who much you feel that it could be better given circumstance.

Every boy wants to be Lloyd outside Diane's window playing "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel in the rain on his boombox. The reality of the situation is the person who often does that is seen as weird and creepy because those things work in scripts but not in real life. Because if your Diane, innumerable the person standing outside your window is almost never Lloyd and almost always the other guy.

And in all reality, all we really want is a girl who will lay in bed with us and watch that movie with us and then fall asleep next to us after. At the end of the day boomboxes, rain, and Peter Gabriel aren't really needed.

Currently listening :

Words from the Exit Wound
By Napalm Death
Release date: By 09 March, 1999