Sunday, March 14, 2010

"The enemy of my friend is my..."

"I just woke up one day and I knew."

"Knew what?"

"What I was never sure of with you."

I'm cynical of people who say their significant other is their best friend. I'm cynical because I'm not sure this is possible. There's a raw to truth that I share with my best friends that I've never been able to really share with anyone I've dated. But maybe that's the key...maybe that's what finding someone is about.

I've never wanted to be friends more after a relationship that with the last girl I dated. I've had lots of other relationships in my life, most of which have ended messily, and almost all of which I've had no inclination at all to be friends with the people it didn't work out with. But this last one, I really wanted to be friends. Maybe it was some deep seeded sense of masochism to retain a relationship with someone who rejected me or maybe it was deep seated fantasy that made me believe that if we retained our friendship, there was a chance of something else happening again later. More likely though, it was the fact that I really liked her, really believed on a basic level that she was a good person, and really for the first time in my life figured that some sort of relationship with this person was better than nothing at all.

This person will not talk to me anymore in any circumstance, so I'm forced to move on.

But what I learned beyond the initial lust and passion of this last relationship is nothing is built on these things. And once these things had faded, it was too late to build that friendship that you probably desperately need to retain any sort of romantic involvement with anyone. And your left hurt, rejected, and knowing that on some level you feel your not even worth retaining a friendship with.

(Those feelings being temporary and in time realizing it's really not you, it was her all along.)

SO what do you take in the future. It's so difficult because we're always on guard, we're always looking for people's ulterior motives. When all we really want in building any relationship is to start with this ideal of friendship and see if it can move beyond that. I want a best friend. I don't now if I need someone who is just another best friend. But more than that, I want a new friend. All we all want is a friend probably, when it comes down to it. Or maybe, just maybe we want the above.

When someone tells you they weren't the one, even though you wanted to believe it, maybe that's the part you have to pay attention to. That you believed or wanted to believe, rather than just know.

I don't know what dating is or is supposed to consist of. I do know how to be a good a loyal friend. I know how to talk and sit and listen and watch movies and laugh. I don't know how that's any different than what I experience already with my best friends now.

I just know it's not the same. But I also have more faith than ever that I can wait until I do know.

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