Thursday, March 04, 2010

"Become Where You Are."

I'm tired.

I'm tired and I can't sleep.

I'm tired because I can't sleep.

The thoughts in my head keep me up on a nightly basis.

I'm tired of trying to be something I'm not even though I'm not sure what that is. I'm tired of being expected to fulfill goals that I don't even hold for myself. I'm tired of trying to be the person other(s) want me to be. I'm tired of thinking that who I am is who you see me as. I'm tired of being friendly. I'm tired of being a friend. I'm tired of opening my mouth without any words coming out. I'm tired of portraying that I'm not confident when I know I am. I'm tired of knowing I'm good enough and not just thinking I'm not.

I'm tired of knowing what's good for me. I'm tired of living what's bad for me. I'm tired of pretending to not like seemingly diametrically opposed things when it's okay to like them both. I'm tired of seeing those around me act like it doesn't matter when it does. I'm tired of things not being good enough.

Who do we want to be?

Who do I want to be?

I'm tired of trying to act like myself but not feeling like myself. I'm tired of being frozen. I'm tired of the feeling my heart makes at certain times of the day when it feels like it could pound through my chest for something in the end that's really just silly. I'm tired of thinking "it" is silly. I'm tired of acting a part. I'm tired of playing games. I'm tired of everything involved with "it". I'm tired of not really understanding what "it" is.

What do we want?

What is it that we all want?

I want to be. Not be in a zen sense, because that's one of those things that people pretend to understand with little knowledge of what it all actually means.

I'm not educated enough on some subjects to pretend to know what I'm talking about.

I want to exist. I want to co-exist. I want to enjoy. I want to smile. I want to be smiled at. I want to look and not feel ashamed or embarrassed. I want eyes to lock without the immediate reaction being to look away. I want to be comfortable without settling for anything. I want to know what that level of comfort is. I want to sit and talk, one on one, about nothing. I want to stop acting and start being.

I don't know that I want you but I know I want you.

It's not simple. It's complicated. It's always complicated. I'm not even sure you can understand what I am trying to get across...trying to say. I want to say the things I said and I don't want to be cute or charming.

But I do.

I want to talk specifically and generally all at the same time.

"I know all this and more."

And that I don't know anything.

I just want to start from scratch.

Do you know how to do that?

I want to wake up not alone.

You might not be hearing me correctly. You might not be comprehending me correctly.






Not alone.

I want to sleep.

But I can't.

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