I like the word. It has so many menaings and so much relevence to, well really, everything.
Some might point out the fact that I both love this wrd and identify with it at the same time makes me some kind of masochist. I don't agree.
I feel like, sometimes at least, any part of anything I'm involved in eventually gets to a crash point, a point where all the tension and anxiety of said thng, realtionship, person, situation, what have you, builds to this crescendo that ends either bery loudly or very quietly, emotionally or physically, into a sort of crash.
The subject of fear of rejection has been approached before. But on a deeper level...
Sometimes I feel like I want everything to crash, to fall apart, to collapse on itself.
I suppose part of it is because the natural next step in a situation like that would be to start over from scratch...which is really refreshing in a way I suppose.
I've got all these things right now that are these various states of being, limbo realy, that are not anywhere close to being finished.
Funny things is, I've gotten this recent fire under my ass, for whatever reason, to finish, carry on or at least try to begin the process of compleeing these balls in the air.
Resolutions, especially New Years ones, are pointless and meaningless because no one ever follows through on them.
There's so many things to resolve. BUt I have resolve to resolve these things so all situations are resolved.
That's not even true. I've been tending toward avoidence a lot.
Timing is the thing that kills me most. I feel like I have the worst timing in the world. It's almost a bad luck equation that I can't avoid. Which I then blame for my lack of completion. But it's all so much more complicated than that.
So the key I suppose is to motivate myself to do the things I want to do. I'm trying. I'm trying to change a lot of sum-odd years of procrastinating and not finishing things in a relatively short amount of time.
How great is it to wake up and want to be somewhere completely different and know that a few words, a little push in the right direction will maybe get you a little closer to your goals. (Which then, funny enough, present a whole bunch of new goals for you to have to accomplish.)
Baby steps. Baby steps.
Perhaps, just maybe, I'll learn all this soon.
Hey, it's a process I know. You try changing habits of thirty years in a month.
At least I'm trying.
Actions & Indications
Release date: By 12 January, 1999