Wednesday, June 22, 2005

backinthedaywheniwasyoungi'mnotakidanymore butsometimesisitandwishiwasakidagain

Remember your first crush? I remember everything about mine except her name. I remember her face, I remember her smell (strawberry shortcake signiture style shampoo) and I remember the kiss she gave me standing on the steps to her apartment at West Lowell Ave. Her name is consquential to releasing this feeling of anguish i have with in. And her name is on the tip of my toungue, even now, as it has been the last five years but it won't reveal itself to me. I even remember it was August when I was six years old. I long for the days when we had that innocent intimacy that we had as kids. It hink i've spent the last 22 years of my life trying to find an sustain that feeling with another girl, like the one I had for what ulitmately was probably a pretty short time with that girl in the apartment building across the way. And as our pasts are taken away from us day by day (I drove by the house i grew up in for a few years in Amesbury the other day and found that development projects had completely destroyed everything that could even remotely have had a memory for me. People are literally living on my memories) all we have is the memories that we can fall back on. And it's scyay that poeple I've now frown to hate, I can remember their names no problem, but this girl who was so importnat to be discovery of not only the beauty of the opposite sex, but my respect for it, I just can't remeber her name. Maybe someday in this big wide world of the internet I'll run across her happenstance, and it will all be proven kismet in the end. But for now I only have the memories of her, and really whjat a first crush means. It's so rare we feel this way about someone of the opposite sex (since that crush I think i can count similar feelings about other girls maybe once or twice in my life....I wouldn't go so far to say that i could understand the complicated emotion of love when i was six, but it was incredible exhilerating and most importnatly i know it made me smile) that I think our constant want for love in life is to feel the way we felt with that first crush always in any relationship we have. Us hopeless romantics will tell you that's really the only thing we've got going for us. That feeling is what keeps us hopelss romantics. So here's to all those people trying to fnd that feeling again. Don't ever throw it away if you find it because you have something more special than you'll ever realize.

I'm pretty sure her name was Jessica.

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