It's pitch black outside at five twenty three am on a Sunday morning. The still of the crisp morning air translates to the quietness of the enviornment I'm sitting in. The only loud thing is the blinking antenna light at the top of the Prudential Center which I can see from my bedroom clear as day as I look out my window.
Insomnia is the worst when it's for nothing and everything at the same time.
I'm thinking where will I be this time next year? Where will any of us be?
I think about waiting. I think about how people never feel the same way you do at the same time you do.
I think about things that are said that are taken in jest, weren't always intended to be taken in jest, whther the sayer complimented what they said with "i'm just joking" or not.
I think about the constant barrage of media speculation, and mostly spin, about how there's an inherently oxymoronic view in what we're told to look up to and what the reality actually is. Everyday, more and more, it's proven there are no more heroes left in the world. Just spin doctors who try to portray the mediocre as the good.
I think about how I could go running along the Chrales right now to clear my mind just because I can.
I think about the week coming up and the show one week from yesterday and with so many things going on will people even realy show up?
I think about a cute girl I met today and the random conversation we engaged in. And how it will never go any further than that.
I think about how anytime I feel like I can be delibrate and truly savor things building slowly , instead, it turns out, I'm suddenly in the midsts of a race for attention that I will undoubtedly eventually lose to a craftier, quicker competitor, whether I even know who this person is or not.
I think about that feeling I have in my gut that tells me I'm never happy in any one place for too long before I feel the need to nomadically move on to somewhere else. I inherited this feeling from my father.
I think about what happens when you have a temporary block in your creativity and what one can do to unblock said clog. It's only temporary, (these things usually are) but it's not less frustrating. Much like your issues with women right now.
I think about, what if one million dollars fell in my lap tomorrow, and how that would allow so many things to come to light.
I think about where we are in the world in perspective to other people and how we are viewed from the other side of the world.
I think about how I would like to go to Australia someday with whatever girl I marry.
I think about a thing I wrote about five years ago about a Nine Inch Nails song and the eventually consequences of said piece. (Things coming to fruition is in the mind of the beholder.)
I think about how we are censored everyday in our words and actions because of the opinions of those around us. I can't understand why we allow this mental slavery to continue.
I think about how most people in middle america can only be so enlightened to equate naked bodies and stories about sex with porngraphy because they can't handle and aren't mature enough to deal with sex in an adult way. This will be passed down from generation to generation, with no head way being made. In these small towns and communities, sex will always be the dirty taboo thing they make it.
I think about how silly controversies are made in this country by scared people who can't face themselves and hold too much shame, so they have to pass this shame on to other people.
I think about ex-girlfriends and what they are doing now. All of them. If I was hit by a bus tomorrow, would the realize what they missed? Do I realize what I missed?
I think about being alone and whether or not others are alone right now like me.
I think about the fact that despite what we want, it's never actually about what we want, no matter how right we make it in our heads.
I think about happily ever afters that will never be.
Some say I think too much.
Sometimes, I don't think I think enough.
The Downward Spiral (Deluxe Edition)
By Nine Inch Nails
Release date: By 23 November, 2004