This past year started with confusion, stress, a need to finish one thing and striving to keep something else going, even though I was blind to see the writing was on the wall months before it actually did...
...crash and burn. How I like my life.
Originally, (within this disclaimer, pointing out this means like 5 minutes ago) I felt this would be some diatribe on the meaning of life and what it all means. On how a couple of weeks ago I thought my year, in a way, has left me full circle emotionally in the same place I was a year ago.
Except that's bullshit. For the first time in a long time, I don't feel like I'm living in concentric circles of misery and confusion. I haven't asked the question, "What's wrong with me?" in a couple of weeks now because I think I've figured out what was told to me two weeks before my birthday almost a year ago...
It's not me. It's you.
There's a simple reason: Some people are bad people. No matter what their motives, no matter what you want to think of them, not matter what you do or react or how you try to treat them...some people are just not capable of dealing with the realities of life and compensating goodness back. Lie, cheat, steal, ignore..maybe it's part immaturity and maybe it's a soul centering selfishness that can't be reconciled.
The whole year, wrenching back and forth over something that's got no explanation than a scared child is incapable of being honest. Likely with anyone.
Either way, I don't care. It's completely out of my control, and it doesn't define who I am. A new job, new friendships, re-connections, a graduation, and a talk with advice I should have listened to myself have taught me that frankly some people just aren't only worth the trouble, but really, probably where never really worth the time to begin with.
I'm just sorry I didn't realize this...I mean really...realize this quicker. It's on to bigger and better things now. People who can appreciate me and show that appreciation without throwing out excuses for their own guilt. I've got too many things to do (both planned and spontaneously) now, and I'm excited about what the future holds. I'm excited about not knowing what the future holds even more.
Good-bye, 2009. I hope it was all worth it.