I can't help but think my attempts at being "friendly" are batted down on multiple fronts by the notion that I might be disingenious to the way i feel about things and people. Nothing could honestly be further from the truth.
(This being said , sometime in life we're hit with the most ridiculous bout of a lack of sens e in what to do, it would seem the subtext then seems that were are unsure and playing games. Let me say, that this is in fact not true. Times ten.)
No one likes games, me least of all. As a matter of fact, resolution as of this morning when I woke up late...no more games.
You know that line in that movie you saw, the one that reminds you of real life but....isn't? There's not much more to it then that. So basically we go through life confused. All of us. Every last single fucking person.
You think you know what the rest of them out there are thinking but really it's just a juxtaposition of your own thoughts and feelings forced onto someone you could really not possibly know less about. So you sit and think and wonder and over think and over analyze and work everything back and forth in your mind four million ways to Tuesday.
(Incidently, while I appreciate the advice I am given, we both know I will never listen to it. Suffice to say, throwing your arms up in frustration maybe be the only option you have left.)
I think my problem then becomes, while truly trying to analyse eveything that's going on right now right down to the nth degree, (Because that's what I do...analyse and analyse until i'm sick....i can't just ever let things be...my mom's says it's my curse) i find there's a disconnect to my life and my process of thought...maybe I'm not the only one, but I feel like I am:
1)I am happy for those who are happy around me only until the point that I realise they have what I want but for some phantom reason cannot obtain. It's at this point I secretly wish for a crash-and-burn (not really becasue these are dear friends but that devil on my shoulder sometimes wants to snicker. We all have that devil, and thankfully we are all able to shoo him away when he whispers these thoughts into our heads.) The reason I can't obtain what other s have are multiple in scope but really boils down to one word: fear.
2)I have too many temptations surrounding me with not enough time and not enoufgh patience to wait. And yet I want to wait for these things that I semeingly don't have enough time to devote to. And because of that I give the impression of a need to rush into these things, which inturns chases these things away. Also at the abck of my mind is the thought that my reaction to their interation is thus that I maybe subconciously chase them away. BUt this all leads back to the fact that these things are all done because I'm afraid if I don't react in some way, any way, then these things will move on with out me.
(An interesting digression from the above hypothesis is this it now occurs to me that all the above statement, be it good or bad, can be directly related to issues I have with certain "other" people in my life. While I'm not wholly a believer in the works of Feud, I do believe that certain elemtns of what he said abotu a relationship between a child and his parent, especially in developmental years, has some sort of significant relation to the relations that child forms later in life, be they stunted (meaning short and messy and cut off), or over developed (meaning obsessive.)
In any case my lack at being able to develop any of the skills needed to fucntion properly in the parameters of all that is lead me the the above dilemas.
3) (and this is the most important one making it the final thought that's running through my brain right now...so pay attention) We live in a world of natural paradox. We live in world where we are told to be honest, to share our feelings, to always tell the truth but then are not only given examples in the world of the exact opposite of that, but are then also discouraged by others actions when we do so. Is it possible for any of us to truly be honest, even given a connotation or subtext of what we are saying, and taken at our word.
So I'm left with the uneasy and queasy feeling that I'm right back where I started from the beginning. I'm not sure at all of what to say to who because, worse then the rejection of any idea I might throw out, is the fact that it won't illicit any reaction. (This is in fact only half true. The greatest fear is still definitely no rwactiona t all. Running a close second is the fact that rejection will come back. And I don't just dislike rejection, I'm, admittedly so now, scared shitless of it. Evidence of this can be seen by the multitude of half started/half finished things in my life - from actual creative projects to relationships - that I have every intention of finshing, giving closure to but haven't been able to quite get to yet, despite the known fact of a feeling of elation I will feel once these things are ended. This fear is as irrational as a fear of heights or to furry animals. I know this. I thought I had understood and come to grips with some of this last year, but fear always rears her ugly head when you least suspect it.)
A wise man probably once said there is truth in all that is said (despite the amount of times you tell a person afterwards that your jopking. Despinte how infitisately small the turht in those words may be...it still rings with some resonence be it smirk or lauch or smile or tear...because it illicits a reaction of some sort.) Reaction is truth.
I can only illicit a responce from a reaction. If there is no reaction, that leaves us all in a sort of quandry, doesn't it.
Response should illicit reaction which in turn should illicit response.
Et cetera.
So what does happen if there's no reaction? What are you supposed to respond too?
Should every reaction illict some sort of response? Even if it's negative?
And don't even get me started about feelings.
Currently listening :
Wrongville
By Sweet Diesel
Release date: By 07 October, 1997
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